US Air Guitar blog

The US Air Guitar blog has moved!

2009-03-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

The new home of our blog is the same as as the new home of all things US Air Guitar: www.usairguitar.com.

And we've just announced the 2009 US Air Guitar Championships schedule, so come check it out!

Sponsors Needed (the other kind)

2009-02-19T04:03:00.000-08:00

Corporate HQ tells me we're taking a new direction, and I'm pretty excited about it. I honestly don't know much about tour sponsorships (or love). But I do know that the last time they said this I got a free case of Tequila, the bus got a new wrap, and this bar down in San Francisco's Marina district let me in for the very first time just because Hot Lixx worked some promotional gig for them. As we keep getting a little bigger, the schwag keeps getting a little cooler – both at the shows and in my apartment. Big Rig told me that when they first started this thing the best my bosses could do was get a handful of USAG dradles donated from the 92nd Street Y. Look at us now!

In this country, that something so conceptually abstract has expanded so much is not all that unique. Seven or eight years ago some good Americans joined together under one motto: Air Guitar for World Peace (if you're holding an air guitar you can't simultaneously hold a gun). And while those first few years were a little shaky, today it seems to have caught on pretty big. But there is something unique about US Air Guitar's growth, and it's something I've never been able to take part in before, not my whole life: I know I speak for myself and the other guys on the tour bus, and I'm pretty sure I speak for Kriston and Cedric, the founders of USAG: our success has actually brought us closer to where we've always wanted to go. Think that's normal? Ask Britney.

So you wanna support part of the tour? Or, do you think you're ready to sponsor the whole thing? Just want to say things like "we sold out DC's 930 Club during the biggest hurricane in two decades," or "—yeah, then we thrashed the 7th inning stretch on top of both dugouts"? Maybe you want to feel the pleasure that comes from telling your colleagues your latest project is "you know, Air Guitar—(insert demonstration here)." If you're game, hit me baby one more time: contact@usairguitar.com.

Hey, it's 4 AM and the sun is rising between us. Does that mean a new day is breaking?

Click.

Written lovingly, longingly, by Sir F. West Hays, (H)IV.

Air Guitar: Benevolent, Fraternal, Orderly

2009-02-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

Magic Cyclops, without his antler hat.

The Fraternal Order of Air Guitar is having its bi-annual summit this weekend, and plans on making several earth shattering announcements in the very near future. The order is much "like an elk or moose club. And we can make 'foag' hats much like the popular band foghat," reported Magic Cyclops (Denver) from Summit day 1. Much like that, only instead of wearing antler horns, we wear antler skulls with knives jammed through the top and a banner that reads something excessively hardcore yet still dorky.

At the symposium Austin's MOD, added that this year he promises to "melt off faces, cook the faces, put in a little paprika, and then eat the faces."

More to come after tomorrow's barbecue.

Props to Whiskey Dick Darryls for letting me photoshop the coolest shirt in my the closet.

Written and whatnot by West Hays.

Summer 2009: There Will Be Air

2009-02-06T02:19:00.000-08:00

Question: What do the Golden State, Duh Shy, Sin City, and Minneapolis all have in common? And New York, Dallas, Nashville, Portland . . . ?

Answer: Without you, nothing.

For us, it's been a month or two of what abouts. "What about LA, when Proops totally made me cry and piss my pants?" "What about the barbecue in Texas?" "What about the gay karaoke in Detroit?" Thing is, like anyone else wearing pants these days – and kudos to those of you who aren't – our pockets are hurtin' for certain. And our financial advisors (Turbotax programmers) have advised that we scale things back for the next tour. Sweet Jesus, how we've tried. But every time we scratch out a city, that What about? creeps back in.

So "scaling back" ain't happening. This tour will be bigger and better than last year. Who says an intern with a learner's permit can't drive a tour bus?

Rocktopuss and Nordic Thunder, on the cool side of the CPD barrier.

Because we're all, what about Chicago, when the Metro lost power and a thousand people (ok, 900 sold, but our guest list was huge) were in the parking lot shaking the shit out of the bus and demanding air? 'Member when the lights came back on just as we were million-man-marching down Clark St. to the Wrigley parking lot, for what would have been the first ever Regional Championship run off of twenty D batteries?

What about when we were persecuted by the Las Vegas PD, all pecker-envious for Reno 911?

World Air Guitar Champion Hot Lixx Hulahan grabs himself some hot accompaniment to sing anything performed by Robert Gulet.

Look, truth is maybe some of this is our fault. I gave Proops drugs. The tour bus blew the Metro's circuits the very second we plugged into their shore power. In Austin we packed a brisket doggy-bag then ditched the check. Stryker and Detroit's only gay guy had a huge falling out. I pirated turbotax. And maybe some weed was involved in that whole Vegas thing.

Hot Lixx loses out to a much better singer, dancer, and decorator.

This tour, we've got Seth Seigle big pimpin' over at William Morris booking the shit out' this mo'fo'. And of course we've got Nat Hays getting Hyphy over at Plus One. I look at the gigs these guys have put together, and I think "I want to DO these shows!" I look at the interns these guys have hanging 'round the office, and I think "they seem very intelligent and have bright futures in their respective fields!"

Peep this shit, though. If I can book a couple venues without any corporate fatcats knowing about it, maybe I can pocket the difference and spend it on stuff I need, like contraceptives for interns and a spell checker because this is getting a little ridiculous.

So here it is once more: our tour is nothing without you. Sunny California, wintry Illinois, nutty Nevada and cold as balls Minnesota: hit me off. And everyone else from the list below, hit me off. Venues and promoters, performers and believers, hit me off: contact@usairguitar.com

Contestant sign-ups? www.USAirGuitar.com will be spreading 'em wide for you in the next few weeks, accepting any riff raff with twenty bucks and skintight leathers.

Derek Not So Smalls and Air Leigh Legal in Clevelandtown.

Here's the tentative tour. If you've got some good ideas for venues, promoters, or just want to call for a good time:

Asheville, NC
Atlanta GA
Austin TX
Boston MA
Chicago IL
Cleveland OH
Dallas TX
Denver CO
Detroit MI
Fort Collins CO
Houston TX
Kansas City MO
Las Vegas NV
Los Angeles CA
Milwaukee WI
Minneapolis MN
Nashville TN
New York NY
Omaha NE
Philadelphia PA
Portland OR
San Diego CA
San Francisco CA
Seattle WA
Washington DC

Portland champ Ricky Stinkfingers invites a few hundred friends onstage.

Ricky Stink invites a few more friends to a San Francisco Giants game. Photo courtesy of Misha Vladimirskiy.

It's either a lyric from Appetite for Destruction or a spooky prediction of sadness and loss to come.

Written by West Hays before breakfast.

USAG Mind Meld: "They Fingered My Brain!"

2009-01-23T11:59:00.000-08:00

"Let's make 'em report some of their income!"

"No, let's make them report it all!"

Where the fuck did Ricky Stink Fingers get a button-down manblouse?

Have we finally gotten Franzia sponsorship?

Is Hot Lixx gonna barf?

These were just a few of the questions that needed to be answered as we now hurdle toward another summer of, you know, crazy ass shit. Last night members of US Air Guitar Corporate and Creative pow-wowed in an undisclosed location (my grandmother's apartment) wearing new clothes (from her closet) amidst a heated discussion involving how certain nights of the forthcoming 2009 tour d’air will be judged. According to Hot Lixx, "All I can say is: think traditional Japanese game show meets Double Dare" (referring to the competition, not the USAG meeting).

C-Diddy on his recent tour of Japan.

Taking a break from doing my taxes (I joke because I love), co-commish and USAG CFO Cedric Devitt found this gem from our pals with the busted link at comicvsaudience.net. I guess Masturbating Booger falls under the "Adolescent Poetry / Cry For Help" model?

Masturbating Booger jerking a bottle that smells suspiciously like his ass. (Photo courtesy of DC's premier photo playboy, Dakota Fine)

Written by West "Fuck the IRS and why not, also the PO-lice" Hays.

2009: There Will Be Air

2009-01-01T00:49:00.000-08:00

Alright, ch'all. The co-commishes have been working their asses off all year long since 2009, trying to make this summer's tour 10-15% better than last year's using loans borrowed against unemployment checks they haven't received yet (but probably will sometime soon). We held a little pow-wow with a bunch of regional champs at Hot Lixx's barbecue back in August, and they gave us some really good suggestions ("do stuff with robots," "drown Air Bear," "fewer assholes on the bus"). So in the coming weeks we'll announce what's on the horizon for 2009. I'm personally hoping for a few more cities, High Life Light in the green rooms, and maybe the robot thing. Please stay tuned.

Sanjar and friends coming out of Des Moines' New Oriental Food Store, which was way better than the old one.

Hot Lixx Turns W. Hollywood DMV into Gentleman's Club

2008-09-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

Since he landed the CBS Evening News interview (date still TBA. Stupid hurricanes and congressional bailouts stealing our thunder and money, respectively), Hot Lixx has been invited to attend and then not allowed to enter dozens of celebrity shindigs. Bouncers were actually accusing Hot Lixx of impersonating Hot Lixx. What's even worse: security at the NBC's annual Emmy pre-party snipped his ID because he looks like a 17 year old. Killing two birds with one stone, he brought his make-up crew to the West Hollywood DMV, snapped a new shot, and rush-ordered this replacement card:

That's actually Polo aftershave you smell.

Because they advertise during Star Trek, we've received scores of e-mails about the Guitar RockStar. We are happy to report that as of Monday, September 22nd, there is no official partnership between USAG and the guys over at RockStar corporate. Which means on Tuesday, September 23rd, I don't have to call my parents and yell at them for raising a dipshit. A few USAG champs were available for interview over the weekend:

McNallica (Boston): "Just another weak plastic toy that limits the rock."
Shreddy Mercury (NYC): "I feel like someone pooped in my Corn Flakes."
Nordic Thunder (duh Shy): " 'AN “air guitar” for bedroom rockers is being tipped as the best-selling toy at Christmas.' For fucks sake...i think the best “toy” this Christmas would be a Bettie B. Goode action figure with removable toe and blood packets. THAT would be fucking rad!"

What kind of toys do you keep in your bedroom, America?
Today's blog was written by West Hays while eating a cheese sandwich.

Volleyball: A Gentleman's Sport

2008-09-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

One of the Cuervo girls down in LA asked Hot Lixx if he surfs. "I only surf when it's sunny," he replied. "But in California it's sunny like every day. So I pretty much surf every day."

Hot Lixx and Toadies Do LA

2008-09-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hot Lixx, horns, and my pink camera.

Hey, 'member when Hot Lixx took the World Title in Oulu? Did you know that was a Toadies song spinning in his round one performance? Cuz the Toadies heard about it, and invited Hot Lixx over to the party.

CBS Evening News: Hot Lixx Out Gentlemans Walter Cronkite

2008-09-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

If we all had mustaches it would be a beautiful world.

Several stations made bids for a Hot Lixx exclusive after his triumphant return to the States. We went with CBS, mostly because they said all their news vans were GPS-equipped. But just like the Nazi submarines in WWII the folks at CBS had some difficulty locating the champ's home, which sits on a former Naval base in Alameda, CA (the Coney Island of the West). Hot Lixx's report of the report informs us "they got lost getting here, believe it or not, but seemed unfazed by the neighborhood. I answered the door as Robert Goulet and again they were unfazed." They finished recording the segment this past Thursday, and we've since received requests for even more TV spots. We're currently working out a deal with Google Maps (Nasdaq: GOOG) for all the business we're throwing their way.

Air date is still TBA. If it helps at all, I bet CBS is as bummed out as the rest of us about this whole Sarah Palin thing. We don't even have a regional competition in Alaska!

Who wants a mustache ride? We've reached out to the gentlemen at the American Mustache Institute, and told them "We do! We do!" Details will follow with the CBS air date and info on the mp3 that plays on the AMI homepage.
Written by West Hays while the San Francisco Giants took the San Diego Padres 7-0.

Classics

2008-09-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

I once read a report released by Amazon detailing how they sell nearly five times as many units of Ken Burns' documentary "Baseball" during the baseball-free months of winter than during the regular season. Now, barely two weeks after Hot Lixx takes the world championships, I find myself jonesin' for some Air Guitar.

And nostalgia must be contagious, because yesterday world's greatest tour manager Brian Carsten rode through my hometown en route to his hometown and said he was feeling similarly wistful. So guess what we did? Hit up Blockbuster and rented Alexandra Lipsitz's "Air Guitar Nation." I'll take any single one of Alexandra's 81 minutes over any ten hours of Ken Burns' "Baseball" or "Civil War" any day of the week, but especially Monday of this week. Even the deleted scenes. OK, not really the deleted scenes.

Good thing they shot us from the waist-up . . .

- - - Because who doesn't get a stiffy watching C-Diddy shred?

Written by the unwashed hands of West Hays

Hawaii: Hurr We Come

2008-09-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

48 Contiguouses: Caulk your wagon and forge the river.

For the 2008 tour I asked God for two things: to get me into the second round in Phoenix, and to get me into Hawai'i in 2009. Seems we've got the faith, we've got the press, now all we need is a contact at Aloha Stadium. Hey, if it's good enough for Bono, it's good enough for us.

Seems Hot Lixx is pulling a Kool Keith, ducking interviews and getting pissed at us for blogging about him so much. Perhaps we've been giving him a little special treatment since his return, but nothing over the top. Just this Friday we sent our buddy Rog over to his house — "Champion HQ of Greatness Fuck Yeah," as we call it — with a $350 gift certificate toward a new Segway. Rog is a paraplegic we volunteered to hang out with to get out of that, uh, incident outside Vegas. We had Rog's ride tricked out with a joystick-mounted camera and everything, but when he showed up Hot Lixx was MIA. Mr. Hulahan, as we now call him, must be with that diabetic we hired to remove all the brown M&M's from his backstage snack dishes.

Although rumor has it he may be showing up soon on a television near you. Stretched across your widescreen in HD, it'll add at least 20 pounds. That will make him break a c-note for the first time since he gave me a piggyback ride when we were seven.

In summation, Bono schmono.

Written while waiting for Brian Carsten, world's greatest tour manager, to ride his new hog down from Oregon, by our old pal West Hays, who rides a huffy, writes in the passive voice, and endorses comma splices, and still plays Oregon Trail.

Not Joking Around

2008-09-03T23:48:00.000-07:00

We here at USAG Telecommuting HQ have just been sitting around, resting on our laurels . . .

- - - Not!

Oh man, too funny. Disagree? Try it with a Borat accent.

We've got several very, very big news sources looking for Hot Lixx's first official broadcast interview since being crowned champion. We'll be breaking (major) news and (thunderous) wind by next week. For now, wrap your arms 'round some memories . . .

Photo courtesy of "Notorious E." Elsa Garrison.

Ibid, Elsa Garrison.

Doodled daintily by West Hays.

2008-09-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

Those handbags are to die for.

Eff cnn, msnbc, (both) Times and Time again. Don't know how, don't know why, don't know if my dad would approve, but we just penetrated the tightest sphincter in online celebrity news. Hot Lixx's grand victory — now the stuff of legend and song — got USAG on perezhilton.com. And what says the champ about his momentous sphincteral debut? "WOW. First off, how does air guitar NOT get bagged on by Perez?!? That is amazing and confounding! I bet that guy excels at both air guitar and Dance Dance Revolution." I've seen it; and yes, he does.

(If you follow Perez's link to NME's coverage of the US victory, air guitar gets bagged on a little bit by AlvarezR's "what a twat" comment. Brief, yet effective. Strict but fair.)

Because we're slow and lazy and find it less cumbersome to drink alone, it has taken us a little while to organize a lil' SF Bay Area woo-woo Amurrica thang in celebration of our only victory overseas in a very, very long time. But rest assured there's one in the making and we're hoping Perez will join in on the fun. Bring your night vision video camera and lots of saran wrap, my girl Paris Motel Six will also be attending.

Hot Lixx Returns with Photos for the Fridge

2008-08-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

When an American wins the World Air Guitar Championships his family makes sure Homeland Security works extra hard the day his flight returns. The champ's mom, Janis Marie, brought liquids, flammables, exploding shoes . . . the works. Here are some pics taken by Hal Boom Boom Bomgardner from the parade at OAK.

Hot Lixx Returns Home to Frank, Beans

2008-08-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

New York Times, you've been out shined.

O.
M.
F.
G.

Some dude sporting the USAG Championship Belt and an attentively shorn nutsack.

Hot Lixx roommates' hosted a party as his pad last night. Hilarity ensued.

NYC Holds 1st Annual USAG Homecoming Parade

2008-08-28T05:06:00.000-07:00

Is the little guy painted on the door doing what I think he's doing? (Photo courtesy of Gino's gentlemen busboys)

Hot Lixx made it back into the country Tuesday night, and partied into the wee hours with the New York contingent of USAG. In attendance were co-commishessesesses Kriston Rucker and Cedric Devitt, +1 digital mistress Ashley Pee and the music maven Sir Nat Hays, industry hot shot Min Q., our agent Seth Seigle from Bubba Morris, and that nub we love to lick, Ms. Bettie B. Goode.

From left to right: industry hot shot Min Q., Kriston Rucker,+1 digital mistress Ashley Pee and the music maven Sir Nat Hays. Climaxing from behind: Hot Lixx. (Photo courtesy of the nub we love to lick)

And among other splatterings of customs booshiit, Hot Lixx's cargo plane was some two hours late to all of her nine stops between Oulu and JFK. Yet, because of time differences and the metric system, he still managed to arrive a week early.

After he finally landed Hot Lixx and crew jitterbugged over to Charleston Bar, Billysburg, NY's premiere dive. Looking for a drink? Perfect. Looking for a link? Yeah, so was I — they don't have one. Much more important for a true dive than a web presence is ample bar food, and this joint serves up free pizza when you buy a beer. And if you wake up in Bed-Stuy with a slice stuck to your back and tipped Brooklyn Lager bottles strewn about your windowless 8-floor walkup efficiency studio? Our pals at Charleston Bar will help recycle the ones that don't smell like your own urine.

Did I mention Dirt Cheap Airlines, LLC, lost Hot Lixx's luggage? No shit, it's probably in one of those ports on the wrong side of the ocean, which is doubly the wrong side of the ocean considering he flies back to California Thursday afternoon.

Thank God Hot Lixx's air guitar was carry-on, as was this thing he had poking out of his zipper when he made a heroically victorious entrance into the Charleston:

Photo courtesy of Dr. William L. Cobb.

We're hoping for an exclusive interview with Hot Lixx soon after he arrives out West. But so is Rolling Stone and Playboy, so I guess we're fucked.

Scrawled by West Hays, who bodega guys call "Poppy."

Oulu: Final Scores

2008-08-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of Maiju Torvinen.

Air Guitar World Championships Results:

1. Craig ”Hot Lixx Hulahan” Billmeier (United States) 35.5
2. Andel ”John Sniffler” Soree (Netherlands) 34.8
3. Cole ”Johnny Utah” Manson (Canada) 34.7
4 Francois-Xavier ”Master Peace” Phan (France) 34.4
4. Ichikawa the Rock (Japan) 34.4
6. Ochi “Dainoji” Yosuke (Japan) 34.2
7. Christian ”Heart Buckboard” Sweep (Denmark) 33.5
8. Clay ”Clay Bangers” Connolly (Australia) 33.4
8. Daniel ”Midnight Moses” Robertson (United Kingdom) 33.4
10. Simon ”Turak” Edwards (United Kingdom) 32.8
11. Ramsey James ”Carlos Slazenger” Williamson (Greece) 16.6
11. Maxim ”Angel of Death” Andro (Finland) 16.6
13. Daniel ”Fahnderstruck” Faranna (Italy)16.5
13. Terje ”Lord Fist” Stephansen (Norway) 16.5
15. Aikyu ”Super IQ” Kanagawa (Japan) 16.4
16. Dirk ”Lord Airness” Lüdi (Switzerland) 16.3
17. Heine ”Lord Wolmer” van der Walt (South Africa) 16.1
17. Alexander ”Devil Seducer” Gott (Russia) 16.1
19. Oskari ”Knucklefinger” Martimo (Finland) 15.4
20. Aivar Meos (Estonia) 15.1

Many of their pics can be found in the New York Times post. Do you expect us to do all the work for you?

Hey, who loves watching BBC take stuff way too seriously?
Scribbled leisurely by West Hays.

New York (big) Times

2008-08-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

OMFG.

Above the fold: Hot Lixx. Below, some random singer.

We'll give you some back stories on this stuff in a little bit, but these are way too hot to keep caged on my desktop. The first one of Super IQ is from Jukka Palovaara, and the rest are from our pal Pasi Lehtinen. These suckers belong in Rolling Stone, and yet they're on . . . this blog?

Typed gently while asking "does that feel good?" by West Hays.

Oulu: The Videos

2008-08-22T19:11:00.001-07:00

Peep Björn's super sweet video for TIME Magazine. It has pre-game footage from Oulu, interviews with competitors, and really good round 1 & 2 footage of Hot Lixx's chops. Add documentarian to his resumé, which is long and distinguished, like my air guitar:

Here's another video of Hot Lixx taking the 2008 World Air Guitar Championship. The Finns call is "orgasmia."

Check out how their Air Traffic Control totally misses his second round cue. Amateur.

With love, West Hays.

First Ever Two-time US Champ Takes World Title

2008-08-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

Left to right: Friday's American-born MC Björn Türoque, World AG Co-founder Tapo, and World Air Guitar Champion Hot Lixx Huluhan.

(Oulu, FINLAND) Hot Lixx Hulahan, aka Craig Billmeier Ums, lept, surfed, melted, exploded, deconstructed, cartwheeled, excremented, demolished, reproduced, thumb wrestled, paddy-caked, sat cordially, fist fought, and gently caressed loved ones in his 60-second routine set to "Plane Crash" by the Toadies.

The competition was fierce Friday evening. There was so much competition even the competition had competition, in the form of a competing Sex Pistols show on the very same night. Fucking anarchy.

Hot Lixx edged out some fine competitors in the final round. Details are still being "downloaded" from our "satellite uplink" (hey, we were still first to break the story, even beating our pal and underpanted air guitarist Chuck Amter from the LA Times). We know that, Borrowing a move from "Big Rig" Randy Laymen (regional winner Denver, Aspen, etc.) and "Joseph of Air-imathea" Joe Coleman (Des Moines regional champ), Hot Lixx entered the compulsory round in second place after topping off his act by breaking a bottle over his head. (Warning: don't try this at home [without a video camera so we can watch it on youtube or the six o'clock news].) We also know they were shredding to "Red Flags" by Bill Talent for the compulsory, and finally we know that Hot Lixx sighted a blind man, cured a leper, delivered a baby lamb and then made kabob during his final round performance. The official judge's score: 6.0, 5.8, 6.0, 6.0, 6.0.

Working the crowd as MC — on behalf of Americans everywhere — was the gentleman from oh so many city regionals, co-star of Air Guitar Nation, and author of To Air is Human, Björn Türoque (aka Dan Crane). This was the very first time that honor had been bestowed upon any non-Finn, let alone a Yankee.

Check out this Björn-hosted segment from TIME Magazine.

Pope Benedict XVI, the 256th man to hold that office, was also in attendance Friday evening. In his second exclusive to the USAG blog, he once again described Hot Lixx's performance as "infallible." Hot Lixx, the first ever 2-time US National winner and newly crowned World Champ, replied, "Whatevs."

Sure, he'll attend the World Championships. But where was he for Pittsburgh?

We here at HQ say this sometimes after a close but fair regional competition, but never have these words wrung more sweetly or truthfully: the right guy won. And the world is a better place for it.

This is the guy who, while the rest of us were looking at porn and googling ourselves in our spare time, sat hunched over his laptop watching videos that other performers sent looking for advice. He would critique moves, help out with timing, even correct sloppy edits for the people he would eventually be competing against. Among those helped was San Francisco's regional champion (and National semi-finalist, and brilliant comedian) Awesome (aka Alex Koll). All summer Hot Lixx was "Spending valuable minutes of his tour helping us out, selflessly," reported Awesome in a telephone interview this afternoon. Koll added, "He transformed me into the Awesome I am today."

Updating us from in between ceomonies just moments ago is the man, nay, legend, himself:

"had to stop in my room to change out of some seriously grody pants and I felt a warm obligation to email all ya’ll…
honestly didn’t think I had a chance – don’t get me wrong, I wanted to do good, to do everyone proud, to at least look decent on YouTube. but I certainly did not expect this. I dedicate this honor to EVERY ONE OF YOU. Thanks for being part of this family and for your support and kind words and filthy stinking dirty sexy radical gnarliness.
xoxo
hot lixx"

As the details drip out of our squeaking satellite fax/modem we'll keep posting stuff. We just received a report on our mojo that, in throughly celebrating this momentous occasion, Finland just ran out of vodka and silly string, but reinforcements are on the way.

Once again, from all of us (you have no idea how many texts I've gotten in the past 15 minutes): CONGRATULATIONS HOT LIXX. Finally, today America is proud.

Please send photos/video from Finland (asap!) to: wolf@plusonemusic.net.

Typed by West Hays while risking keyboard electrocution from falling tears of joy.

HOT LIXX WINS FINLAND!

2008-08-22T12:57:00.001-07:00

My boss told me to prepare two blogs this morning: one anticipating a victory, the other a loss.

Fuck that.

HOT LIXX HULAHAN TAKES THE WORLD.

"Looks like the world's gonna have to sleep on its side for a while."
-Industry Hot Shot Min Q

Hot Lixx in the company of 3 other national champs, facehumping the custom-made guitar prize he gets for being the best air guitarist. In the world. Period.

Dodled proudly by less talented fingers of West Hays.

Oulu: Pre-game

2008-08-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

From our sattelite uplink with Hot Lixx:

Super IQ is a consistent Japanese dark horse winner. His quote when he took the stage tonight, in a thick Japanese accent, was “I am from hell, by swimming” – he was wearing a swim cap, speedos and a shirt that said exactly what his chest says. So when he ripped off his shirt the only difference was nipples.

This is the woman who is working on getting her PhD in air guitar. No shit

Hanna is one of the main WAGC organizers

Canadian champ Johnny Utah and a girl that would never go out with me because I live in my mom's basement.

Here is a Japanese Make Air Not War bootleg shirt

The KKK supermarket, a finnish standard in groceries. Apparently Jesus shops there.

Anni is one of the long-standing organziers, as seen in AGNation

Johnny Utah was a sensational football player before he blew out his knee.

Tapo is one of the two guys who started this whole thing 12 years ago.

The British dark horse winner.

Destroyer, who can balance a dradle on (just the) tip of his finger, is the 2005 World Champ and one of this year's judges.

Thanks for hooking us up with all the good photos and descriptions, Hot Lixx. Now, don't you have a fucking world championship to go win?

Oulu: We Break the Story

2008-08-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

This grand piano falls in love with shiny reflections of co-commissioners Cedric Devitt and Kriston Rucker. Björn fingers it.

For those of you who are interested in Hot Lixx’s & Bjorn’s conquest of Finland, this very blog will be doing a play-by-play of the event via our own personal live satellite feed. It’s some Wayne’s World shit . . . we all know the scene:

Okay... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR-4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT-6, beam it back to SATCOM-3 transponder number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo. It's almost too easy.

Mad props and more fried chicken to industry hot shot Min Q for making all this high tech stuff work by shaking the TV whenever the picture goes fuzzy.

8AM.

Dictated but not read by West Hays.

Oulu: Chew on This

2008-08-21T23:15:00.000-07:00

Two important updates today: First off, the blog has been nominated for this year's coveted "Best of the Blogosphere" award in the Gerontology Hobbyist category! Secondly, Björn is getting his snack on.

It's like a Where's Waldo? only with handjobs.

Fingervomited by West Hays.

Guaranteed Giggles from Oulu

2008-08-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

Brief Update from Oulu

2008-08-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

Björn arrived safely early this morning. Zero toxicity side effects from all those weed-filled condoms he swallowed back at JFK. And he's already signed our pal Anni Koko (team Finland) to his air band.

His shirt is an official release from CNN, and reads: "Air guitarist loses toe in stage dive. *I just saw it on cnn.com. 08:07 a, 07.78.08." It's not about accuracy, people. It's about respect. They gave Bettie a few of these so she can forever say, "been there, done that, lost a toe and got the t-shirt."

En Route to Oulu

2008-08-19T21:12:00.001-07:00

13 hour flight: t no peanuts or water, but they do get nifty little screens with flight data.

Next stop after a few more stops: World Air Guitar.

We just received word from our US Men of Air on the JFK tarmac. Even though we booked them passage on a third-class dual propeller freight plane that makes any and all stops between NY and Finland (which is a lot), they seem in good spirits.

Hot Lixx sent us this, taken at an undisclosed roof party last night (see how the Empire State Building's tower is red, and clock is white and blue? Yeah, we set that up):

And Björn sent along this message:

As I head off to Finland . . .

It seems like only yesterday this madness began. Actually, no, it seems like a fucking year and many many many hangovers ago.

It’s been one hell of a season, gents. I bid you farewell, and know you will be with me in spirit in Oulu...

But instead of camera phone shots of rooftop shredding, he sends tidings from this Chinatown opium den:

Written left-handed by West Hays.

FINLAND, Rakastamme Teitä: Money Shots, Not Bullet Holes

2008-08-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

We've come to make love.

(Oulu, FINLAND) Our 2008 US champion, Hot Lixx Huluhan, is currently in New York City en route to Finland, and joining him is our very own Björn Türoque, who is the first American ever to have the honor of emceeing the World Championships. Us Yankees who are already here in Oulu want to wish good luck to everyone en route to the competition from all over the world. It's been an honor for me to meet so much of the international AG community since I've been embedded here in Oulu, diligently reporting on the goings on and breaking news at it breaks all over the place where I am which is Finland.

Here's what I think has surprised the international community most when meeting us: we American Men and Women of Air arrived unarmed, olemme cute kuten pennut kun yrittää puhua heidän kieltään, and in most cases they have found we're not obese but alarmingly underfed. Yes, INCAG (International Community of AG [Air Guitar]), many of us Americans hate some of that other stuff about our country, too. But we're trying our damnedest to change things for you and us — either by vote this November or by force if that doesn't work out — and we thank you for not letting politics come between us over these past years. As we will show you over the coming week we will gladly make love not war. We choose love making ten times out of ten! And we vow to make love all over this place. We have so much love to spread and you all have been so nice to us over sexy e-mails and in realtime that we may defect and crash on your couches forever. That's why tonight dinner's on us, Finland. Even if it's not at McDonald's.

Stay tuned, many updates and happy meals will follow.

Here we are — all of us — in Finland, just like I said. We drove the tour bus from New York, and brought along that hot girl from Detroit who's wondering what it's like to be two girls making out with me at the same time, while Nordic Thunder grabs a bite to eat.

Twins Styker and Big Rig, American to the core, climb aboard Finland's only battleship and wage war on a seagull.

Windhammer and Six String General look for a cab while Brian hits on some girl from Philly.

Tragedy plays the steps of this historic Finnish courthouse, while Airosol teaches Sanjar the Destroyer how to execute some cartwheels.

USAG co-commissioners, Cedric Devitt (top) and Kriston Rucker (bottom) kick it with these dudes.

US Champion Crowned, Bill Murray Approves

2008-08-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Bill Murray gets his shred on while some Army guy neither asks nor tells from the backside. (Photo courtesy of the U.S. Army Golden Knights and this AP Article)

More celebrities jumping on board and falling over shortly thereafter: Sports broadcaster Jerry Remy shows us how not to do it.

We're packing away all the stuff from Friday's show at the Regency Grand Ballroom because anything left behind we get charged for. Which feels a bit like losing a limb and getting a ticket for littering, but maybe not. More like losing said limb then getting beaten with it.

In case, like most people, you get your news exclusively from the official blog of US Air Guitar, thanks for waiting a week or so to find out who won: it was Hot Lixx Hulahan who ripped our faces off, stretched it across his own, and showed a sell-out crowd that within each and every one of us there lies a champion and maybe Hannibal Lecter. And in taking the National Championships he becomes the first ever 2-time US champion.

Here are the final results of the top 6 finalists who made it to round 2:

Anyone check out today's sfist Photo du Jour? It's really weird when a (good) blog that I read every day posts a little something from my (otherwise) blog. I guess they were hard up for material or something.
Typed lazily by the broken fingers of West Hays.
Our pals at +1 did such a snazzy job detailing the events of the San Francisco show on this press release that I'm not even going to plagiarize it like I usually do, but just post it as is:

It was the morning of AUGUST 8th, 2008. The city of SAN FRANCISCO was crisp but peaceful. In the Grand Ballroom, it was business as usual. Little did anyone know… All the buzz, all the hype, all the warnings surrounding the 2008 Cuervo Black US Air Guitar Championships, Presented By TouchTunes, could not have prepared the City by the Bay for what was about to transpire . . . (read more)

SF: Mad Pics, Mad licks

2008-08-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

These USAG exclusive pics are *amazing*. They came from shooters Janis Marie and Roger Johnson, two of our favorite people. If I start seeing this stuff on myspace there better be a credit underneath. Will further blow this stuff up shortly, from the San Francisco Public Library while homeless people read over my shoulder and help me spell things.
Typed poorly with two thumbs and an analog phone by West Hays.

USA: Cool to be a patriot again

2008-08-09T05:16:00.000-07:00

Jesus God don't let this thing be over already. We crunched some numbers and discovered that this summer we saw over 500 air guitarists perform. Yet somehow tonight was so good, so fresh, I checked my undies for spotting and hymen. Positive on both fronts, my friends.

Just moments ago at the Grand Ballroom Hot Lixx forcefully thrusted the riot back into patriot. But last week, before he was the 2008 US Champion that was fittin' to tear Finland a new Scandinavian a-hole, he said he'd have us over for a barbecue. Hit me at wolf@plusonemusic.net for directions. You guys have been incredible.

Many photos, feelings, words to follow. But for now let's just reflect for a moment.

If my face had windshield wipers these tears wouldn't be so sad.

AT&T Park: Families Attended, Created (photos updated)

2008-08-06T17:15:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of "Notorious E." Elsa Garrison.

I think when Sports Illustrated picks up our story we become an official sport, right?

Wednesday's Giants game ended not two hours ago and already we've received two dozen messages from fans claiming plus symbols, blue lines, etc. Pass the cigars around, it seems Awesome, Björn, Hot Lixx, Ricky Stinkfingers, and Shred Nugent impregnated the entire front row at San Francisco's AT&T park.

Stenographied by West Hays.

Photo courtesy of Misha Vladimirskiy.

Stinkfingers minces, saunters. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

Lou hasn't met Air Bear yet so he's still our friend at this point. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

Before turning around, Stinkfingers urged his fans not to fall in love. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

y West Hays.The stink urges players not to fall in love, too. Players express looks of profound confusion. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

During our show SS Omar Vizqeul and SP Matt Cain express even more profundity, but afterward at the player's BBQ Björn signed them to his air band. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

Stink listens closely after demanding the front row to say his name, bitch. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

Air. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

Same as pushing crack: hook 'em early. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

We paid Lou six bucks and a jar of plankton to hump the personnel sign. (Misha Vladimirskiy)

Two dozen plus symbols times four air guitarists equals 96 monthly alimony checks. We should have paid for that fluffer, after all. (Elsa Garrison)

—so we hired the sad guy on the left for next time. (Elsa Garrison)

A Giant Day in SF

2008-07-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

We're in San Francisco now gearing up for next week's US National Championship, and we're grinding like mad. Yes, the hard workers that brought you the concept of two one-minute rounds and the air guitar strap are pooped.

Taking a break from the madness Monday night we switched on the TV and caught the Giants serve it up to the Dodgers down in LA. These underdogs are all young, scrappy, and they'll do whatever to takes to win. Kind of sounds like this year's regional champs.
West Hays
So we gave the folks at AT&T Park a call and asked if we could swap schwag. (Shhh, they have a lot more than we do.) Turns out they dig our game as much as we dig theirs!

11 million Cubans can't be wrong: besbol rocks.

So here's the deal: come relax with us at the August 6th noontime game against the Atlanta Braves. By our calculations, young ace Tim Lincecum will be starting. If you come along you'll get to watch the Giants school the Braves, you'll witness a virtual who's-who of the USAG Hall of Fame doing some off-the-wall stuff (let's just say those dugouts will never be the same), and we promise to buy 100% of you a plastic bottle of Anchorsteam 5% of the time.

Stock markets, bear economies, and whatnot got you down? Go to sfgiants.com and purchase tickets and you'll get a 50% discount — a $20 View Reserved ticket just became $10. Just type AIR into the "coupon code" box and we'll take it from there. Even I can afford that, and I get paid in food stamps.

Remember, the Giants put on an all ages show so bring the kids.

Young Björn drops his ax for some theatrics while infant-airbandmate Hot Lixx tunes his guitar and wonders where his neck is.

His own childhood mispronunciation of "hero": West Hays

Dallas: Guardian Devils

2008-07-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of "Notorious E" Elsa Garrison / Getty Images.

Anyone catch Saturday's show at the Dallas Hard Rock Caf— I mean, House of Blues Restaurant? When we showed up there everything was completely setup for us, except: the marquis, the green room, our rider, and the stage. But how cool was it when Hot Lixx went out there in tails and toolbelt then built the stage with his bare hands? While I was searching my purse for something that might help with the building effort, I asked Hot Lixx where he learned to do that sort of thing. "When you've got a hammer," he answered with a smirk, "everything looks like a nail."

Zip.

The venue staff (infections) finally jumped into action after we bribed them with dozens of Cuervo Black t-shirts and other various schwag items, courtesy of our pal Liz Zeppelin from CB.

Deviled Elvis and Guardian drove up from Austin, as did Dr. Shred from Houston. With sixteen contestants and almost as many judges, the HOB Restaurant was packed. From my stuffed little sidestage enclave I counted thirty rows of sweaty foreheads atop melted faces before this hot girl beside me hit me with "Hey, dickhead, stop counting and play this dude's song." This was just before Johnny Lavender's performance, and I think he ended up going home taking that girl home. And with those assertive nipples of his, I can't say I blame her.

Photo courtesy of Big Rig Randy Layman.

There were more memorable first round performances, like one from wildcard Mint Chocolate Sex Panther, a newlywed who came to watch Air Guitar on her wedding night. Despite her husband's roaring demands from the front row, "honeymoon us, honey!" her act remained G-rated. Rita Ford was pretty good too, and if she practices a little bit more this off-season she might have a shot in 2009.

For me, the second round was all about two guys. But first the guy it was almost about: Rocko Collins gave us a pretty good show to Dallas' own Reverend Horton Heat's "Big Sky" compulsory. He finished in second but it was mostly because he usurped the stand of its mic, and did some, "let me hear you Dallas, yeah woo hoo" stuff. Maybe it's because I'm not from Dallas, but it just didn't do it for me. His act was good, indeed very good, but if you ask me it was no Guardian or Deviled Elvis.

Photo similarly courtesy of Big Rig Randy Layman.

Deviled Elvis was so good in the first round you get the impression that he could shred to any track you played, whether or not he'd ever heard the thing. He had this preternatural "evil but not scary" thing going on, and if you ask me his SPAT (Stage Presence, Airness, Technical) was, like my girlfriend, a buxom 18. But keep him away from that nubile young thing who's still young enough to lay you your mom's basement, this guy is also one of Austin's Air Sex finalists. (But I don't get it! Where's the partner?)

And then there's Guardian. After making sweet Olympic figure skating Rock 'n' roll by earning the big 6-6-6, there's little even the sexiest of deviled performers can do. So our second Austin commuter took first place with perfect 6's. His tassels reminded us all of high school band practice and the War of Northern Aggression, both far enough away that we can all laugh about them. As a newcomer to the competition, Guardian will be flying north into enemy territory for the National Championships next month.

Don't let that guy in pinstripes hump our champion!

Hey, do you guys steal cable? Who's been watching the super dope footage on CNN, the source for breaking news?

The camera adds 45 pounds.

Trick photography, we're the same dress size.

They look friendly now but come August 8th these two dudes, like Guardian, are fittin' to throw down in SF ("Notorious E" Elsa Garrison / Getty Images).

Scribbled by West Hays

Austin: Ya'll Tight

2008-07-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

By holding preliminary contests for the past several months Austin, like Darwin, had been weeding out reheads and weaklings for Friday's championship competition. So everyone was curious to see if the talent was going to live up to the hype. And it did. A-town delivered like few others. And Hot Lixx's air drummer was H-O-T.

After seven of these preliminary competitions we had a stage-full o' talent and a pant-full o' bone. Every single competitor was a champion in his own right, and Austin and her fine air guitar representatives should be proud. MOD, Deviled Elvis, Chuck Fucking Steak, The Guardian, Star Wolf Night Ranger, the all american air guitarist, Buck Nasty, Guitarmageddon, Baron Von Hellscream: we thank you.

Although not quite in the same category, wildcard Rojo Fartknocker also gets mad props. For her impromptu name selection and also for cockblocking an otherwise chorizo fiesta (sausage fest) at Stubb's Bar-B-Q, we thank her from the bottom of our corazones poo-pumper.

Rojo Fartknocker.

Baron Von Hellscream's performance was probably the best of all the gentlefolk who didn't make it to round two, so hats off to that man. Also, the All American Air Guitarist's second round act was brilliant, and easily twice as energetic as his first. He was also dressed up as Elvis. Specifically Fat Elvis. Fat Elvis Barefoot and Pregnant. Loved it!

Chuck Fucking Steak'ness showed some fucking greatness. And The Guardian tied for fourth with Star Wolf Night Ranger, the latter becoming the first ever performer of 2008 whose stage dive was welcomed with open arms followed by a successful float and safe return to the bandstand. Oddly, the night was almost completely without explosions, pyrotechnics, and best of all, injury.

The Guardian.

Star Wolf Night Ranger, getting his karaoke on after the show.

Among these gifted performers one man emerged victorious. MOD — which stands for exactly what you want it to — finished at the top of round one with an average score of 5.93. Celebrity judge and Rolling Stone contributer Lynn Margoles, who got pissy because Hot Lixx mispronounced her surname, gave MOD "an extra point because you're African American." Only in Texas. His first round clip selection was a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune, and he absolutely quilled it. Then, to the compulsory Mótorhead's Ace of Spades edit, he had to totally switch up his technique. His first round performance was like watching high art. I think I heard the girl standing behind me say "with hands like those he could have been a surgeon." Then, after his round two act, this girl in front of me with Barbecue sauce and pork remnants all over her offensively tight herbeater tank-top sprayed, "with hands like those he could have been a fucking hitman."

Two gems from last night will be shredding in Dallas' House of Blues this evening, so the competition just got better. Things are getting silly in the tour hoopty and we're all giddy for the show. Come out and entertain us! (I said "anus.")

MOD and Chuck Fucking Steak next to a writer from the On The Scene section of steppinout.com/boyz.

Three out of Friday's four wildcards and the douche with the camera doesn't shoot the hot one.

Hey, check out this story on USAG's favorite amputee! And remember, potential future favorite USAG amputees, there's still one show left!

Thanks to Brian Carsten for many of today's images.

Scribbled by West Hays

Houston: A Video Ho-down in Ho-town

2008-07-25T09:06:00.001-07:00

God it feels good to be back on the road. Sleeping in bus stations just ain't the same as sleeping in the bus itself. And since US Air Guitar, LLC made good on its promise to never actually turn a profit on anything it does, we've somehow swapped last month's sweet ride:

For this fine piece of touring machine:

But enough about us. Thursday night we had three fun, smart, sassy, wildcards and a couple of fun judges. First was Dumpster Baby, who shook her stuff so hard it prompted celebrity judge Ken Hanley to worry that "during that seizure she would swallow her tongue; big argument for national healthcare." And then there was Sassy Bear, who prompted celebrity judge and Emmy-award winning interior decorator Gil to comment "nice hair." (Between you and me, I think Ken might be a little gay). Lastly there was Chesty Le'roux. She was smart.

I liked Dr. Shred's costume, clad in full O.R. (they?) scrubs. But the MD's performance fell short of earning him a second round berth. Ken Hanley said he must work for an HMO, which sounds a lot like another word. Some girls performed like they were swinging their dicks up there, which I thought was kind of hot. Maybe we're all a little HMO?

I think everyone enjoyed Shamu's performance in both rounds. He did that über-predictable Van Halen air guitar song and actually made it into the compulsory round. There's something to be said for that. But his final act lacked that "did I just shit myself?" feel we all get when a true champion blossoms on stage before us. Speaking of defecating oneself, I think one of the two best compulsory performances was given by The Golden Ghost, who ended up in third. He hurt himself some, and for that our hearts are sad and black and burning. I think if he had somehow managed to play through the injury he would have had a shot at winning. You know, man up and whatnot. It should be noted, of course, that Ghost is a stuntman by day, and I'm actually a total pussy.

Rip Darko was crowned Houston's 2008 champ. He had stage presence and airness, and looked good while administering both in generous doses. Rip's got about two weeks of practicing in his underpants before the big show San Francisco.

And make sure to bring a change yourself. It might get messy. You might get wet.

Pictured above: not quite the winner, but damn near.

Scribbled by West Hays

TX: 1/2M Hits + More Tragedy

2008-07-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

Front Page. Chronic.

The blog just reached half a million views since we kicked off the 2008 Tour of Tears and Broken Shit. We know this because our pals at blogspot are now charging us a fee so they can continue to not feed properly to usairguitar.com. And all this just because our moms have clicked the reload button a few hundred thousand times. Thanks a pantload.

Competition-wise things are shaping up splendidly. Once again Austin's very own Tim League has held preliminary heats for the past few months, and even hosted a Dark Horse race last week. Come hell or highwater (or in this case both) we Men of Air have to get to Houston for our Texas kick-off show at Warehouse Live. Yet it seems wherever we go God hurls her majestically damp panties, leaving tragedy and catastrophic wet spots in their wake. While waiting on my delayed flight, this just in from our co-commander-in-chief:

From: Cedric Devitt
To: Team USA
Subject: FW: CNN Breaking News
Date: July 23, 2008 2:27:17 PM PDT

Buckle up boys.

------ Forwarded Message------

From: CNN Breaking News
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:14:03 -0400
Subject: CNN Breaking News

-- National Hurricane Center: Dolly has reached hurricane strength and should hit near the Texas-Mexico line on Wednesday. --

Today's guy evacuating himself in his pants: West Hays

Brooklyn: Battle Wounds of Williamsburg

2008-07-10T13:06:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of our good pals at Lenox Hill ER.

The horror.

The.

Horror.

Last night’s Brooklyn Regional was downright unruly. It was a jungle. Last night’s Brooklyn Regional reduced all the other Regionals to a leisurely bike ride through the park. First of all, Hot Lixx Hulahan’s opening number was off the chain – with defending US Champ William Ocean on air drums, and current Manhattan champ Air To The Throne on air bass. Next of all, several “came-this-close” contenders from around the country convened upon the Music Hall of Williamsburg for one last-ditch attempt at earning their golden ticket to the Holy Mecca of Air Guitar (San Francisco, for the uninitiated). The star power was on full display, with familiar names like Shreddy Mercury, Bettie B. Goode, and The Shred (gimpy ankle and all). The judges? Bill Burrs, head radio man at RCA Records; Bobby Black, senior editor of High Times Magazine; and Gavin McInnes, founder of Vice Magazine. All the ingredients were there. When mixed, the night churned out disaster after glorious disaster, as only air guitar can deliver.

After 3 forgettable performances got things going (I genuinely remember not one thing about them), upstart contestant Fender Slendor, who we first saw in DC, officially kicked off the competition with a high-voltage performance that ended with him air guitaring in his tightie-whities (not the first time I’d imagine, eh Splendor?). Shreddy Mercury, Bettie B. Goode, and the Shred all lived up to their reputations, earning their way into the second round. Rounding out the top 5? I forget... But this seems like a good place to mention that the scores last night were very polarized. As they should have been. Bad air guitar is quite like a car wreck. You want to look away, but there is some twisted sense of satisfaction from seeing firsthand the smoke billowing from the hood of that mangled hunk of metal. And if you see flames? All the better... That said, you resent the kid in the backseat who says something borderline insensitive, like, “Think he was drunk?” or the ever dick-ish, “Wow, that sucks.” That was role of the judges last night. Despite being leaders in their respective industries – people that we all strive to be professionally – comments like “You make me think of autism and a crack addict” to an obviously not-all-there hot dog vender wearing head to toe Mets gear will not endear oneself to many people. Yeah, the audience jeered and booed, and it got progressively worse as the night went on, as the crowd [mob?] basically turned on the judges. At least 10 beers were air-mailed to the judges’ table from down below, which had me and the rest of my VIP co-horts running for cover.

But that’s not the worst of it.

The second round saw some solid routines – my favorite was Fender Splendor, until Shreddy Mercury absolutely lit it up with a routine that may or may not have given me a boner. Then, it happened. Bettie B. Goode started her routine by jumping off the stairs you take to get from backstage to on-stage. She promptly ran up to the balcony, climbed over the railing, onto the plexi-glass awning above the soundbooth that is, presumably, there to prevent drinks from the balcony falling on the sound equipment – that is to say, not meant to support the weight of a full-grown human being, no matter how slight or dainty her build. Bettie then ran over to the judge’s table where we all got a good look at her pinky toe, which by then, was broken in half, bleeding, with white bone showing. She beat out the two technically superior contestants, but I mean... Bone was showing. She was declared the winner and promptly whisked away to the emergency room. Which just goes to show... In Air Guitar, sometimes when you win, you actually... are insane.

Did I mention bone was showing?

Thanks to former celebrity judge and industry hot shot Min Q for today's blog entry.

Vegas: Craps!

2008-07-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

Craps if you missed this show! Craps the game we love to win! Craps like in our pants! Craps like sorry it took so long to deliver a Sin City update. But the Brooklyn show doesn't start for another ten or twelve hours so we're still cool, right?

What we can remember from Las Vegas is totally awesome. Within 45 minutes of posting that our stash had been seized by the man we received three dozen fan e-mails along with one call to HQ from Bad Boy Bail Bonds. The real story is our driver told him it was medicinal and then pointed over to Hot Lixx. The cop took one look at him let us go.

"They help me stay focused!"

After taking a very circuitous route we finally made it to the venue. Dave, Harrah's pyrotechnics officer with free fireworks and all around swell chap, showed us how to sneak unlimited friends into the employee buffet on just one swipe of our card. Björn then challenged an entire cafeteria full of dealers, cheats, and card-sharps to a game of their choosing. Craps it was — with the bad guys betting Don't Pass every roll — and Björn went home with all their money in addition to the diarrhea the rest of us got from the fruit salad.

The show was great, but I had to watch it through this little side stage bank teller screen. Thus I had to assess each contestant's performance by the look on his or her face as it floated past my sad little box en route to the green room.

Whoever was about to get high fived did good.

Dan the Man Adams did good, too.

These guys did great.

This guy not so much.

Wildcard De Bon Air (pronounced like "the boner" with a Chicago accent) wore a red vest, looking promiscuous and unattached. This other crack ho wildcard danced all stripper-like causing one of our celebrity judges, Harrah's' SVP of entertainment, to comment, "Air pole contest? Trust me, I'm a lot better than you are on the pole." We also had a little person leprechaun-judge who deemed another wildcard a "shamrockstar."

Then there was a super sweet halftime show featuring Hot Lixx and Rockness Monster strummung side-by-side for world peace and the ladies.

Which shouldn't be confused with the pre-game opening act, a pair of amazing hip hop artists we found on inner-city streets. (And watch the yellow-shirted cop slowly get into it, stage right by the Cuervo Black banner.)

The Guitarsonist had the biggest grin backstage so I guessed (correctly) that he had won. To celebrate we lit off fireworks in the hotel room then swiped some grub. We all woke up in Hot Lixx's bed in Alameda, CA (the Coney Island of the West), while he sat on the floor eating a tub of KFC and watching Sex and the City reruns.

This long week without Airness has been very, very sad for everyone. The Brooklyn show's nearly sold out so we Men of Air have to run and grab some tickets before it's too late. It's 18+ at the Music Hall of Williamsburg town, and our old pals from Tragedy are going to blow the roof off that piece so come early and watch the greatest Bee Gees tribute band in the tri-state area shortly before our twenty-plus roster of all-star contestants melt your face off like a dramatically lit ice sculpture.

He can tie it in a knot, he can tie it in a bow.

The Shred broke some more of his legs.

Left to right: Magic Delicous; potential contestant Five-Oh-Yes-I-Did, no longer watching from the hip hop sidelines; Bettie B. Goode.

These air groupies tried to yank off The Guitarsonist's leggings.

So he bit their fucking heads off.

PHX: Phoenician 6th

2008-06-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hardcore Henry won Phoenix with 35.2 points. Tone Loki returned with his dubious Scotch-Norse costume. Our lone female contestant was Bettie B. (super) Goode. She was super good.

And despite what the Nevada highway patrolman called me this morning, I, sirs, am a heterosexual. However, Saturday night when I saw the gentleman contestant called Air Traffic Control, I questioned everything. The man had rugged good looks, charm, and a killer sixty-second GNR clip. Gazing into his dark eyes I saw the man I hoped I'd become when I was a child. It was like looking into a mirror.

Truth is the show was so God damn empty I entered myself. Although I was one place short of making the compulsory round, I think it was clear to everyone present that mine was the most well-practiced, technically proficient, best-timed, most kick ass performance in the history of history and performance. Setting my career aside for one night, I jotted no notes in Phoenix. I tallied no scores. I took no photos. Any images posted are sent with love from members of the crew and viewers like you. Without your support shitshows like these wouldn't be possible.

"But it was the best performance in history."

Vegas: Busted by the Fuzz

2008-06-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

This scrotal sack of pig vomit just turned our bus around, costing us a thousand bucks in diesel and one of our crew his flight home, all because he disagreed with where we chose to stash the mushrooms. Dick.

Our buddy and driver Marc follows the popo into into Raquel the Bus.

After spotting our out-of-county plates, Sergeant Shithead asked, "Yew aren't from 'round here, are yew?"

Guy on shrooms at Six AM: West Hays

San Diego: And the Surrounding Alpine Area

2008-06-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

The jihad of rock and roll and terrorist of our hearts, Airaq, joined us in San Diego-slash-Alpine Friday night and gave another swell performance. She begins her act all wrapped up in burka and oppression, then tears it off revealing a sort of Lisa Turtle style outfit that you'd expect to find a yellow Sony sports walkman (with auto reverse) clipped to. Her Airness Yoko Airo and Mary Jane, also ovaried, played (with Celebrity judge Min Q's balls) so well they both made it into the second round. Yoko wore a skinny little short skirt, about which Min commented, "it looks like a little denim cummerbund and that makes me happy."

Tone Loki was there, clad in Viking helmet and kilt. He made some claims about Scots and Norse(eses) and European history about which I know very little and the Minner perhaps even less. The important thing here isn't historical accuracy but fucking with people, and to that end the Minner commented, "wait, with that outfit you could technically invade yourself from the north."

Our boy GOBO, who back in SF did the psychotic punk rock drunken ballerina routine, gave us another sweet show in the greater San Diego/Alpine area, finishing in third place overall. Both Her Airness Yoko and Mary Jane placed in the final round, even though the latter never successfully found the pole she was looking for in the first round. She scared us as much as she turned us on which turned us on a little bit more.

The Crusher, for the second night in a row, finished last among the best. I don't know why but there's something beautiful about that.

The obvious winner of the night was Fatima Hoang, the mother-effing Rockness Monster. He nearly took LA on Thursday, defeated only by Houston RockIt's gawky stature and superhuman upper-body strength. He nailed it in the greater San Diego/Alpine area. The AV guy's toilet seat froze and for three full minutes he kept his finger in the air, the international sign of "play my air tune."

Yoko gets air.

Yoko gets randy.

J-Prime dies.

Pogo.

Rockness.

Mary Jane found the pole. She's on top of it.

Written by West Hays

LA: Worth its Weight in Crack

2008-06-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

Once the Freshmen AV club from West Beverly High got through soundchecking Björn's "War Pigs" routine in front of a sell-out crowd at the Troubadour we all had a really swell time. The first of our tripartite hyper-congenial panel of judges, Greg Proops ("Whose Line is it Anyway?"), said the wait was worth its weight in rock.

For us, the most confusing part of the evening was judging how we felt about the name "Riff'n Ra Vida Rocka." When we first read it we felt at once disgusted yet intrigued. But when we saw his act the intrigue wore off. Celebrity judge Jeff Davis ("Whose Line") commented, "it looked like a meth-rattled attempt to get your dick out of your zipper." The best name of the night, Sly Dingdoor, received the lowest marks of all with a miserable combined score of 12.2. Kiwi Bret McKenzie ("Flight of the Concords") dealt him an all-time low "four-point-fuckall."

A mime in air guitar. Like a hat on top of a hat.

The Crusher made it to the second round and realized he was out of his league so he played the entire second round compulsory with his arms in his shirt. Deep.

The scores last night were the lowest of the entire tour, but this was not a reflection of the evening's talent. Instead, last night's judges delivered a melancholy pageant of the sad souls of comedy, reflecting outward the darkness which for so long laid only within. But fuck damn if they didn't dispense their misery humorously. After Rockness' first round performance Proops said he "got hard like Chinese algebra." When Bret McKenzie burned one of our contestants real bad, a response came from the stage: "I prefer showtime!" Proops, defending his comrade, retorted "you should, I'm sure you've installed it enough times." Maybe you had to be there.

Our halftime show impregnated the minds, mouths, and souls of the audience. Emerging from the heavily fogged stage under the brightest spotlight of the evening in traditional oriental garb and Hello Kitty chest plate was the one and only C-Diddy. Not since 2004 has C-Diddy (David Jung) made an official public appearance. Paparazzi and underground sources have claimed C-Diddy participation in Axl Rose's fabled "Chinese Democracy," have snapped him hanging with our pal Cool Keith, and information has leaked connecting him to the recent making of babies (congratulations on young Elias, David). The crowd lost their shit when he went out there, and soiled themselves that much more when Björn appeared and busted out a solo on the air keyboard.

Houston RockIt took LA, and Rock Ness lost in his hometown for the first time ever. RockIt's winning move: scaling the 15-foot high balcony to the VIP section then hanging upside down all monkey bars style. With his succinct stature and lithesome frame Rockness countered RockIt's tremendous height by walking, nay, floating above the heads of the crowd on his feet. Yes, on his feet. But it wasn't enough to take the regional championship. Rockness promises victory will be his in San Diego, where we play on the sacred Native American gambling grounds of the Dreamcatcher Showroom at Viejas Casino. Hock grandpa's pocket watch and come bet on a sure thing.

Our second rounders.

Kei Tsutsumi impersonates skinny Elvis. I endorse only the other Elvis.

Fireballs explode from The Caplickster's fingertips.

Written by West Hays

SF: Impressive

2008-06-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

Impressive

Our Men of Air getting their press conference on.

"The hunters become the hunted" —Hot Lixx

There was no room for modesty at the Independent's trough urinals last night. And although the crowd was pleased with the talent, for a sell-out crowd in San Francisco I want more than just "above average." Am I being a dick? Perhaps my native Sucker Free gets a partial mulligan because local fave Ricky Stinkfingers' Portland victory allowed for a phone-in performance last night (like how he was supposed to phone-in his KXL Radio interview yesterday morning — for which I set the alarm on his cell, texted three of his slightly more sober friends, and sharpied "RADIO" across his dialing arm). Perhaps we're most judgmental about those we love. Perhaps I should sack up and enter in 2009. Or even better, Phoenix.

Ricky Stink in P-town. Photo curtousy of Shane Brant.

Jammin' J-Bone, a tall drink of stagediver, gave a solid performance but fell short of advancing to the compulsory round. Brandishing his all white suit, Miami's Lt. Castillo came out of retirement and flew into town to fight bad guys and take on the best SF had to offer. Gobo pirouetted what Björn called "a psychotic punk rock ballet." And San Jose's 2007 regional champ, Shred Nugent, came close to taking it last night with a highly technical performance, but it takes more than technical proficiency alone to be the best.

And you know what? It takes more than the sauce to be a good judge. It takes some balls and labia, as our Masters of Airemonies occasionally say. And I for one thought the judges were pretty good, despite the frequent KQED correlations that didn't really exist. You know why Marc Hawthorne (The Onion), Jennifer Merz (Sf Weekly), and John Trippe (fecal face) got away with it? Because they scored consistently and made references to middle school handjobs, both given and received.

Is anyone still reading? Probably just me and Hot Lixx's mom (thanks, Janis). So who took it? The same guy that delivered the drugs to our last three Bay to Breakers parties, rocking the same "AWESOME" t-shirt. I'll try to get some photos up eventually, but my VIP SRO's didn't yield any inspirational shots.

We're loading into the Troubadour as I type. Ten times out of ten bannertime precedes hammertime. Please join us, Los Angeles.

(Not pictured: Lt. Castillo)

Written by West Hays

Seattle & Portland

2008-06-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

(seattle! seattle! seattle!) Did anyone else catch Hot Lixx's show-opening scream into a dead mike? Can you say "Awkward"? And also, "my bad"?

Venue employee Jaret Winters, who refused to change his stage name, stripped down to his tightie reddies and turned Chop Suey into an emo Chip n' Dales for sixty seconds. Next time he should consider choosing a song he's actually heard before, and try not to shred in slow motion. Jaret works with Bailey the bar manager, who was totally cool. Her friend and certain road goblin, Ms. No Name Hateherface, was totally otherwise. We hope Bailey can make some new friends by summer 2009.

And I don't know about you guys, but I can watch The Fro moonwalk forever. He didn't take any regionals this year, but he took our hearts and did us and his low-country fans proud, first in Washington, D.C., again in Washington, Washington, and finally in Portland, Oregon. In Seattle he rocked it so hard he lost his magic afro and revealed his true identity to the whole audience. We look forward to his stuff next year.

Who took Seattle? Chuck Mung. (remember Cleveland?) He tore it up at Chop Suey with a sequin rockstars and stripes top and his trademark kilt (forever commando, we check in every city). Chuck, somewhere there's a bagpipe that's very happy you took up the air guitar. Your kilt drips metal and your fingers pick the nose of my heart.

Who took Portland? Ricky motherfucking Stink Fingers. And when he was done he dragged all his buddies on stage for Free Bird, and then proceeded to vomit on the ones who refused to partake. I love rockstars.

Stryker never resurfaced from the Boise River. For the sake of closure we were going to bury his tights and speedo at Make-out point this afternoon. However, while we were cleaning out his bunk we found dozens of empty night train bottles, trails of kool-aid, fuses for the bus' AC, all our sweatshirts, severed brake lines, and excessively gay porn. His memorial service has been postponed indefinitely, and his speedo fits our driver nicely.

The Fro loses the fro and briefly reveals his true identity to the audience.

The Fro leaps into round two . . .

—And takes notes on the compulsory song.

Mung: "Wurr all the dead ladies at?"

Vaguely Ethnic gets his wildcard on while the robot guy from Chicago peeks through the curtain.

Lazy guy: West Hays

Salt Lake City: Norm!

2008-06-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

Salt Lake was lovely. We went overboard on the wildcards and apologize for nothing. Need we remind you that those second to none boobies came out second to last in the set? Commented Jon Paxton from SLUG Magazine, "You showed heart, you showed commitment." Hey, you showed your fun bags.

Stormin' Norman, the Avalon's lithesome security guard, also gave us one helluva wildcard performance. From our sheet of options he chose Van Halen's "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love." I'm not sure if he'd ever heard that track before, or any Van Halen track ever made. But GD he made us laugh.

Norm!

The new SLC champ is Drew Simonsen, who now loses his Christian name and becomes forever D.R.U.S.A. His first round clip was Mötley Crüe's "Kickstart My Heart." At his heels in second place was wildcard Cathode Ray, also known as Park City TV personality Ori Hoffer. And following in third place was Fast-air Panda, who's better known as Jimmy the Tooth, event promoter and co-owner of the Avalon. His first round clip was Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher."

The Ultimate D.R.U.S.A.

What separated D.R.U.S.A. from the others? First off, his pecks. If you look closely at the official US Air Guitar logo you, may notice our air guitarist model was rendered with the classic huskier gentleman in mind. But D.R.U.S.A. is of the new Air Guitar breed, and looks a lot like WWF's Ultimate Warrior. However, stamina alone didn't catapult D.R.U.S.A. into the winner's circle. It was skill and attitude, and the fact that he began his first round performance by riding into the Avalon on his chopper. No shit. The fumes from that Harley alone could've gotten him into the second round where he included some beer smashing (at a dry venue) and a dangerous leap off the stage right speaker tower. The judges' verdict, in descending order of height: 5.9! 6.0! 5.9! 5.9!

For our day off we drove through the night then shot the Boise River. At about four o'clock it was a sultry 99° when we caulked the wagon and forged the river. It dropped about thirty degrees in as many minutes and we Men of Air found ourselves bailing our watercraft with empty Natty Light tallboys. Thunder and lightning surrounded us, it was Stormin' even without Norman. We each held on tightly to our electrically conductive metal oars and had nearly turtled when a shoreside stranger offered us a hand and four plastic glasses of Sawtooth Chardonnay, from Idaho's famous mountain range of the same name. The craziest thing of the afternoon wasn't that it went from swamp ass hot to bitter effing cold before we logged 5 knots, nor was it the transformer explosion resulting from the power lines that crashed into the river just ten seconds off our stern. No, the big surprise came from the man pouring our rainy day Chardonnay: Mr. Val Kilmer (who Bug, our good friend and Boise tour guide for the day, kept calling "Iceman"). His puebloesque mansion is right off the Boise, and is the second nicest shelter I've ever evacuated myself in. Yep, he even let us use his toilet. Even more crazy: this kindness wasn't a result of our local fame, because after us VK and his son, Jack, sheltered a white trash couple who clearly regretted splitting one $8 rental tube, and even the Asian gang members we Men of Air had tried desperately to avoid when we first began this adventure.

We lost Stryker (pictured below with new haircut) in the chaos of the storm, but he's a really good swimmer and we're confident he'll turn up before we head for Seattle.

Photo courtesy of Dana Ensing.

Written by West Hays

Denver: 12 Wildcards, 1 Nugget

2008-06-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

Can a mountain lion get the wolf?

We had 11 pre-show sign ups in Denver, then went ape shit with the wildcards. First we had three, then like five, then ten, then our skeleton crew (down to only three that night) were all "eff it. Twelve." It would have been a baker's dozen except we ran out of songs and I couldn't find that almost Alanis track we downloaded back in Detroit. So twelve it was and it was good.

Oh, and did I mention we had the Denver Nuggets' Rocky the Mountain Lion tearing shit up last night? He was good enough to make it to the second round, but bailed early with a couple of totally hot rodents from the Bluebird's basement.

One of our many wildcards.

All night long Denver was begging for some hardcore twin-on-twin action. All month long Stryker and Big Rig were making news, like this cover story for the Denver Post. And Wednesday night at the Bluebird there were twin groupies aplenty, but Stryker had already taken the Detroit regional, and his brother, Big Rig, had taken Aspen the night before. Still, the pair didn't want to disappoint their hometown fans, so they paid the fee and entered the Denver regional, planning all the while to throw the competition. And they did so in typical Big Rig/Stryker fashion. Big Rig was called out to perform, and just as he began his routine Stryker appeared on stage beside him. Knowing full well this move would disqualify them both, they did some tandem shredding before busting out some of their trademark shoulder riding. It was a treat that earned them perfect sixes, which were promptly reduced to perfect zeroes, which allowed for someone new to take the Denver regional.

Twins Big Rig (bottoms) and Stryker (tops) . . .

—And the judges that disqualified them and made me horny.

Any takers? Anyone? Anyone? Eff yeah there were. Duke Thrashington and Magic Cyclops, both finalists in Aspen, kicked some serious ass in Denver. In the end Magic Cyclops took Denver, with Duke Thrashington trailing him by just a tenth of a point.

Magic Cyclops gives it to the judges.

Thrashington myspaced one of our crew last night. Even though he's placed second more times than, uh, someone that places second a ton, he's got the perfect attitude: "twas a pleasure. the front flip to crashed farriswheel to resurrection didn't quite go as planned. but im now perfecting the move. no worries my man, twill see you in 300 some odd days." This is a fickle bid'ness, and often times second place could just as easily have placed first. Wednesday night could have gone either way, but in the end I do believe the right man won. And come August Denver will have three representatives in the city by the bay.

This morning, after Hot Lixx told him how much we were looking forward to his next performance in the short hereafter, Thrashington followed up with this classy comment: "word^. its an airguitar show and a contest, so schredding is #1 priority for the peeps who paid 15 bucks to get siked."

They say we were 59 tickets short of capacity on Wednesday, but those folks would had to have been squeezed into the handicapped bathroom or one of the empty boxes left over from all that Cuervo Black we sold.

After the show, the gentlemen of air relaxed responsibly with some of that smooth Cuervo Negro. But no one relaxed harder than Stryker.

We're playing the Avalon tonight, easily Salt Lake City's best venue. We've got SLUG Magazine on board for this one, with writer Jon Paxton and friends celebrity judging. Fill your flasks and come get jiggy with us.

Background: West Hays, Kriston Rucker, Brian Carsten. Fairground: Stryker.

Written by West Hays

Aspen: Oh No You Didn't!

2008-06-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

Sorry, sweetheart. We're a tough act to follow.

Turns out Aspen is the world's prettiest place to park your tour bus and run its diesel generator for the better part of a day.

Ore Gas Sam: Twice in one night.

I had two favorites who didn't make it to the compulsory round. The first was Ore Gas Sam. Twice celebrity judge and on-air personality for KSPN.FM Jamie Lynn asked for the going rate of a mustache ride ($30, Jamie. Plus an extra $5 for the Nix). My other favorite was wildcard Oh No You Didn't, whose free bananas and summersault asaults wowed the crowd and touched me and the judges in a very special place. Lynn, utterly smitten, uttered, "I like you. I just don't know what to do with you." His costume was subtle, yet profound: blue jeans and Ralph sunglasses, clearly suggesting something as to the duality of man. All in all Oh No You Didn't gave a delicious performance and made us all very, very proud.

Oh yes he did!

Oh No You Didn't busts out a spin on the riser, pivoting on his stomach by using the neck of his air guitar.

In the final round, Duke Thrashington impressed me with his mid-set air guitar change when our Velvet Revolver "Slither" edit changed keys. Sleazy Rider also gave us a good show, with solid technical skills, stuffed nylon pants, and his nearly transulscent pale skinny body — an absolute dream!

Thrashington's got a pant full o' bone.

In the end no one came close to Colorado's own Big Rig. I was standing between the lighting director and soundman making handjob gestures when I had to stop mid-stroke. Things on stage started popping and lighting-up and strobing and throbbing and when I checked the sound board and light switches both were suspiciously sticky. All this, and Big Rig was only half way through his routine. He vanished momentarily then reappeared in a tightrope walk act across the low wall separating the tables from the dance floor. Before I knew it he was jumping back onto stage and delivering his finale. The LD did what he could to unjam the switches and light up the judges as they raised their score cards: 6, 6, 6.

Big Rig drinks a Bud through his eyeballs and takes Aspen.

Written by West Hays

Denver: Day off

2008-06-18T12:55:00.001-07:00

We took a day off and hung out at Water World, harassing the staff with plenty of "hey, watch this cannonball!" and "whose handstands are straightest?" Their 16 year old supervision was also imperative in noticing that Stryker was drinking from a wading pool. He's been twitching a little ever since, but we're confident he'll be back to normal in no time. Although when he was told to rinse out his mouth in the public restroom, he apparently started making odd hand signals under the stall. An onlooker standing at the urinal snapped this strange shot of the incident:

Two favors, guys: 1. Stop asking for pictures of the bus, it's privileged info. 2. Stop facebooking us, it's just plain weird.

Make Some Noise for Des Moines

2008-06-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's not just piss. It's piss and blood.

In Des Moines our competition had competition of its own:

1. Pride day
2. Brewfest 2008
3. Mother (fucking) Nature

We were joined by returning competitors who braved the floods on the drive down from shows in Chicago and Minneapolis. But nobody joined us harder than newcomer Joseph of Air-imathea. Like my childhood, his round one routine was energetic, tightly clad, and pretty dorky. His early performance landed him in the two-spot for the second round, where he was joined by Sanjar the Destroyer, The Rocktopuss, MC Little Spoon, and Fuck Yeah.

Meet MC Little Spoon

Before the second round there was one wildcard contestant who was too shy to give us his name, sign up, or go on stage. So, in typical Bar Mitzvah fashion, his friends picked up his chair and hoisted him onto stage, where the audience helped him select Rage's "Killing in the Name of" for his 60-second clip. His performance, however, was not as good as his introduction. Afterward, MC Hot Lixx Hulahan noted, "He blossomed right in front of us, from a twelve year old girl into a twelve and a half year old girl."

Celebrity judge and third degree black belt Dingo Watson, Esq., added, "It was like watching a Steven Seagal movie, if he was retarded and punching invisible enemies."

And of Rocktopuss' lewdly sophisticated first round act, Dingo decreed "Fuck yes! You just shot air cum all over the judges' faces — all our mouths are pregnant now."

At half-time we had an impromptu performance by Lost Heartbreaker to a Metallica ditty spinning on the Touchtunes box. We took some video footage of this, but ICS fucked up the digital transfer. For that, and so much more, we truly apologize.

MC Little Spoon: A Really Good Listener.

The most frightening act of round one came from wildcard MC Little Spoon, who promises he wasn't on drugs. His antics from last night include cuddling with Hot Lixx while cloaked in our banner, sitting Indian style while the judges critiqued him, and just freaking us out in general. So we invited him to hang on the bus after the show.

MC Little Spoon gets his weird on.

Round two belonged to three people alone, in ascending order: Sanjar the Destroyer, who wants it so bad and is showing us better and better stuff with every 60 seconds that pass, executed a sweet jump from a precariously balanced speaker tower on the side of the stage. "I've seen a lot of bands crawl up up on your wobbly equipment, JC," remarked celebrity judge Tony Tarbox from Channel Q Radio to the club's owner, "but no one came as close to death as that guy right there." Next in ascending order of wicked fucking greatness, The Rocktopuss began his act with a leap from the stage that launched him over the heads of the seated judges. Then he tore through the crowd, jumped onto the bar backwards and started picking from his back while sliding across. Finally, he leapt back on stage, grabbed Dingo's cowboy hat, and took an air dump inside of it before he returned it to Dingo's head. It was a brilliant, brilliant display.

The Rocktopuss makes the fucking lights melt. Background: Peter Brady enjoys the light show.

But nothing could top Joseph of Air-imathea's super dangerous, super crazy, super sacrificial offering to all of us present at the House of Bricks. He began with summersaults to the judges, then some knee-dancing, followed by reverse summersaults while playing to the crowd. Then he broke back toward the judges' table, grabbed a bottle of High Life, and smashed it over his head. Blood and glass shards went everywhere and the entire room jumped to their feet and rushed the stage. Some of them even reached out for his bloodied body. Oh, did I mention he was dressed up as Link from the Zelda saga? H-O-T.

Mmmm, fantasy.

After the show we partied up in Gaytown for the Pride Day gaieties. Thank heterosexual God we all woke up alone, except for Hot Lixx who rose and shined with ants crawling all over his face. Somehow the Kool-Aid walked from the kitchen to his bed, and arranged itself in a mock body outline of our slumbering Master of Airemonies. Luckily he has some time off before our next show to physically and mentally recover.

Tonight we're acclimating in Denver, Colorado. We had the best Mediterranean poo poo platter of our lives at the vegan City O' City on East 17th Ave. Tomorrow we glove-up with floaties and get all wet at Waterworld. The biggest water park in the United States is fittin' to get a whole lot bigger.

With abs like those Hyrule does not stand a chance

While everyone freaks out to Free Bird, MC Little Spoon gets spooky in the corner.

Written by West Hays

Des Moines: updating . . .

2008-06-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

Here are the scores from tonight's show. There was, um, real life blood. Possibly the craziest performance thus far. More to come later . . .

Minneapolis: They Don't Dinkytown Around

2008-06-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

Chicago feels like many footfalls ago.

I think last night's talent was the most well rounded we've seen so far. Everyone belonged. Whoever placed 15th last night in Minneapolis probably would have made it to the second round in some of our other cities. Even Lord Rockington, who timed his jump about ten seconds too early (awkward!), could have placed fifth in, say, Boston. Of course he would then be promptly crushed by McNallica.

Git Some, our wildcard that placed fifth overall, did not miss his jump. And as the leap crescendoed he screeched a piercing "fuck Brian Oake!" Brian Oake, our celebrity judge from Cities 97, replied humbly, "The only person in this room who hates me more than you is me. Five-point-eight."

David Reed Roth gave an impressive performance, except for the moves he stole from Windhammer. Don't think our judges aren't hip to this shit.

Contestant New Tedgent, shredding to his (sort of) namesake's "Free for All," pulled out a move we haven't seen before: When "The magic's in my hands / When in doubt I whip it out / I got me a rock 'n' roll band," Tedgent whipped out his air dick. We see so much nudity in our line of work, and are so bummed out when the judges reward it with high scores, this classy air flash was just what was needed to bring some sophistication back to this thing of ours.

New Tedgent: whips it out with both hands

The overall talent was so good that two performers may have a right to think they deserved better: Sanjar the Destroyer, who can afford to smash his air guitar after every show, and Lost Heartbreaker, who pumped up the audience to its highest decibel, until . . .

—Mother effing Airsol materialized on stage. Former regional champion and total sweet pea Airsol sprayed us in round one with her well choreographed performance to Van Halen's "You Really Got Me." But she saved some gusto for a perfect six in the second round. Splits, jumps, slides, and a grand finale front flip. I had to trash my undies (again) immediately afterward.

Airsol's performance explodes Sanjar's eyeballs from his head.

Then Airsol changed out of her costume, became her not-so-mild-mannered Cami Phillippi alter ego, and threw a kick ass after party at her spot. As we were leaving in the wee hours she presented us with a care package: a weird y2k rocking chair, a frozen boca burger, a spatula, and battleship (as in, "you sunk my—"). Splendid night, Minneapolis. We thank you from the depths of our little black hearts, and promise to return all contraband to its rightful owner(s) in San Francisco.

Some weird shit has been happening on the bus so we're all on terror alert level maroon. The AC will only turn off if we remove the fuse and our driver suspects foul play. To make matters worse, all of our sweatshirts have gone missing. And this morning there was a bottle of Nightrain inside a pickle jar floating in the toilet. I'm confident this kind of stuff will end soon.

Tonight we're trying to bring a little air to Des Moines, and with any luck we can blow those storms up to Canada, then load these sandbags onto the bus and return them to the coast. Our parents told us to skip tonight's show. Our driver told us to skip tonight's show. Prove them wrong and come out to the House of Bricks tonight. 525 E. Grand Ave @ E. 5th.

Our man from Touchtunes has a small foot fetish. But sorry, ladies: he's spoken for.

Written by West Hays

Chicago: Powerful

2008-06-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

A shot of the marquee while tour manager Brian humps Chicago's finest gas tank.

Last night, just before the show was set to begin, I walked out onto the stage planning to litter it with Playgirl pictures (Lorenzo Lamas, November 1993) and marbles and such so Hot Lixx would have something to do during intermission. Only as soon as I stepped out the lights went down and the crowd started shouting and for one fleeting moment I felt that surge of power and excitement and self importance that folks like Hot Lixx and Björn and Mick Jagger and God get when they're in the spotlight.

Then my fleeting moment ended and I retreated off stage with gay porn and marbles and banana peels falling into the fog machines and stage wedges. But backstage no one saw my very red face because it was very, very dark. Back in the sound booth all those yellow and green lights I sometimes push when soundman looks the other way lay uniformly silent. Then the walkie talkies started chirping, "power's down for the whole block." My first thought: God has smote us for our antics at Mr. Smalls. My second: Loot. My third, as our tour manager pointed out earlier: You can't have an acoustic air guitar show.

About 30 minutes passed without power so the Men of Air held a caucus on the bus. We phoned the mayor, the ConEd brass, and the police commissioner (just to let him know we were on the case). Chants came from outside the bus, "we want air! We want air!" So we moved onto plan B. Swapping batteries from all available sources we burned each contestant's track onto a single CD while one of our celebrity judges went to Walgreens to steal a boom box. We made some friends at Wrigley Field the day before and figured they wouldn't mind us using their parking lot to hold US Air Guitar's first ever plan B outdoor competition. But just as Hot Lixx was climbing onto the roof of the tour bus to make the official announcement, we were blessed with light and power and the show went on.

And it was a doozie! Painkiller Igz drank blood from a skull and spat it all over the Gwar fans in the front row. Big Delicious' air roadies were dressed as Playboy bunnies and they totally made out like five times and I heard the guy next to me say "I can't believe my dick just barfed that hard." And scoring just a 13.4 (third from last place), it seems I was the only one who enjoyed Crazy K's act, with all his jiggling love handles and complete lack of oxygen thirty seconds into his routine. How can you not love a guy who looks like a fat, black, Napoleon Dynamite?

We lost two celebrity judges in the confusion of the night, including Chicago Cubs' Ronnie Woo Woo, who was later found asleep in the handicapped ladies bathroom, empty airplane bottles of Sauza littered all around him. Rookie mistake, Ronnie: Sauza is a classless tequila.

The remaining judges arbitrated the show perfectly. No one received perfect sixes, because while many acts were top notch, none deserved a perfect six. And their advice was a smooth blend of harshness and helpfulness. Remarked Kriston Rucker, US Air Guitar Co-commissioner and French Polynesia's premier amateur inline skater, "few people realize an air guitar is heavier than a real guitar." Think about that for a moment, and when your brains have been scooped off the floor and re-enlightened into your once ignorant head by way of the ear canal, read on.

Everyone that made it to round two belonged there: Nordic Thunder, The Rocktopuss, Stevie Licks, Steed Stevenson, and Velvet Hammer. The evening was somewhat lacking in theatrics, save for a little skull blood, some hot girl-on-girl action, and some pretty awesome stuff from Stevie Licks. Licks, one of only four newcomers at Metro last night, had a massive stuffed animal brought onto the stage by her air roadies, and throughout her routine she kicked panda bear appendages and stuffing all over the audience.

Nordic Thunder's solid technical ability and clearly well-practiced moves earned him the title of Chicago's finest air guitarist. But he'd be wise to work on the "air" part if his game during these two months before the national championships are held in San Francisco. He's almost there, but it's going to take more if he wants to reunite with his Norse kinfolk in Scandinavia for the world championships.

Tonight we're tearing shit up at the Varsity Theater in Minneapolis. Then we're headed for Iowa. What's this stuff I keep hearing about a rainstorm?

'Member when the doctor from ER was Gilbert in Nerds?

I forgot this guy's name but I dug his unitard.

What's a liger? It's pretty much my favorite animal.

Stevie Licks punts some panda bear into the crowd.

Stevie Licks makes my dick barf twice.

Dan the Man: Rock star, entertainer, optical illusion.

Written by West Hays

Pittsburgh: Tragedy Hits Hard

2008-06-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

Tragedy!

Tuesday night Tragedy rocked the hell out of Mr. Smalls' church, steeple, and people. And it was good. Now, as the Air Guitar tour pushes west, we have to say goodbye to our departed sequined friends. The Lord giveth . . .

And he judges. Harshly. In Pittsburgh our fourth celebrity judge was God Himself. I took copious notes when He spake so I could reproduce them for the blog. Only the Air Guitar brass felt it might alienate some of our markets (fucking Salt Lake City better bring it on the 20th). So here are some of His quotes, edited for the faint of heart:

To 14 year old Altron, the night's first contestant, about becoming a man: "I'll let you get your fingers wet and [bleep] them into Mary Magdalene's [bleep]."

To a contestant who spun an Elaine/Julia Louis-Dreyfus on stage, "it looked like you were trying to shake a priest's [bleep] out of your [bleep]."

"You judges are so painfully bad I'm going to roll some dice and choose which of your children to give cancer to."

To the buxom Messy Stephie, "I made the mold for those immaculate [bleep], and—" and, and, I can't go on. He'll smite us. We'll be smote. When He spoke the house lights went dim and and the stage lights flashed along with His baritone voice. It was very spooky. But His scores were spot on every time. God damn He was good.

As far as the mortals went, Tuesday night was tits, as they say. Three finalists were female (Mush Hell, Goon, and Air-Leigh Legal), and only two finalists were non-wildcard. Our winner, Will Clear Will, was playing basketball an hour before the show when the sound guy phoned him to suggest he sign up. His first round pick was the title track from Coheed and Cambria's "In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth: 3" (great fucking pick). Our compulsory song, cut together on the bus ride from Cleveland, was a wicked Tragedy edit that Will nailed in the final round.

When God gives you a six, what more could mortal life possibly offer? Labatt Blue Light and chicken tenders at Sidelines, Pittsburgh's premiere dive bar. Thanks for the chuckles, see you in duh Shy.

Goon!

(6/10): Congratulations Will Clear Will on taking Pittsburgh tonight. Story will follow, but here's the score sheet:

Christians,

Tonight we're playing Pittsburgh's Mr. Smalls, a Catholic church that's been converted into a venue. God rocks.

Also, we just got last-minute confirmation from a very, very famous celebrity judge. You won't want to miss Him.

The view of Mr. Smalls from Hays Street.

Written by West Hays

Cleveland: We Were Touched

2008-06-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

So Derek Not So Smalls took the Cleveland regional. But who were the real winners last night? The audience, and those of us who kick it with Touchtunes. Not because they bought us something new that we really really want (hint: bat-flames from Raquel the bus' tailpipe), but because our rep around these parts, Marie "Diamond," rocked the house. Perhaps you're familiar with the Croatian Sensation? For those of you who aren't, Diamond is the stuff, fellas. She chose a Europe track for her wildcard song that we hadn't launched since it was transferred from our Tandy mainframe in the late 80s. And she owned it. Last night Touchtunes touched us, so Cuervo's gonna have to come proper PDQ if they want to remain in the competition (for my heart).

We had another impressive old timer last night. It seems what they lack in youth they have in longevity and air. Blurry Knuckles, who's been shredding since Christ was in shortpants, says he's known about our competition since it started six years ago, only he forgets to register every summer. I only caught the tail end of his good-natured grumbling, "—then all of a sudden it's August!" Next year we'll have our secretairy give you a reminder call, Knucks.

Smalls started his first round performance with about five seconds of Zeppelin, followed by a sound clip of Wayne Campbell's "Stairway? Denied." Appropriate, because Smalls looks a lot like Mike Meyer's version of Steve Rubell from Studio 54.

Speaking of celebrities, big ups to Sarah Kotzman and her crew from my43 for hanging out and drinking some Franzia with us last night. And also to our celebrity judges Jeff Niesel (Cleveland Free Times), Rob Weske (CBS Action 19 News), and and Jake "Robin Gibbens" (Tragedy).

Other notable performances came from Chuck Mung and Twenty Inch Hubcap. Hubcap drove twenty hours from his home in Tennessee, and we hope he sticks around for one more night. We'll be kicking ass tonight at Pittsburgh's infamous Mr. Smalls, and we think he's got a decent chance.

We had the guys and gals from Tragedy (the greatest bee gees metal tribute band in the tri-state area) over for a dinner party last night. They really dug our menu and asked for the recipe. Thus:

Björn's Recipe for Road Nooks and Crannies

2 eggs
1 English muffin
1 american cheese single
butter
plastic wrap

Wipe the plastic bowl with butter. Crack 2 eggs up in that piece. Cover with plastic wrap and nuke for 1:20 (time will vary depending on microwave). Paper towel will suffice if someone used all the plastic wrap contraceptually. Remove from microwave, place cheese and half english muffin on top of cooked egg. Flip it over, then close the sandwich with remaining english muffin half and garnish to taste. Yields one serving.

Twenty Inches of Airness

Reporter: "Who are you wearing?" Hot Lixx: "A new air groopie every night." Zip!

Those panties at Chuck Mung's feet were thrown by a dead girl.

"—and so I said, 'get me out of this wet suit and into a dry martini!' " Zip!

Written by West Hays

Detroit: Dee-lish!

2008-06-09T13:41:00.000-07:00

The "X" means that handjob is illegal.

Detroit was Dee-lish. Girls, girls, girls. We had four female wildcards plus the Big Green Booger, who had a pretty sweet body anyway. Wilcards Prophylactica and Lisa "Thorough Scribbles" (I can't read what she wrote on the sign-in sheet) gave commanding performances to tunes from Danzig and the Dead Kennedys. But no labiad wildcards were better than the last girl to shred in the first round, who gave us no name but one helluva routine to Alanis Morissette's, err, Meredith Brooks' "Bitch." No Name requested an Alanis song, which we fileshared on the spot. "Bitch," mislabeled as an Alanis track, had three seeds with T1 or greater speeds. So we broke the law and ended up paying for it. Score another one for Lars Ulrich.

The greatest wildcard performance of the evening (and perhaps ever) came from the 2008 Denver regional champ, Stryker. He's been on the road with us serving as Chief Airness Officer, but he tore off his suit and threw on his tights last night for the regional show at Detroit's Magic Bag. His round one selection: David Lee Roth's "Yankee Rose."

Round two's compulsory song, as selected by USAG officials meeting in conclave, was Metallica's "Enter Sandman." And when Stryker started wailing, head-banging, and knocking shit into my stage side laptop, the ladies went nuts. There was dancing all around, and every seat was left damp and abandoned.

Stryker: handsome, talented, addicted to dollar scratchers.

The judges in Detroit? Surly, mean, and they kept calling me by the wrong name. I love them.

Stryker received a perfect 6 for his performance, even from WCSX'S John O'leary, whose next highest score of the evening was just a 5.2 (given to Stryker after his round one performance).

After the show we said our prayers, went straight to bed, and shared a dream about a girl named Dee with the sweetest airaoke voice we've ever heard.

Tonight? Cleveland, baby! Cleveland! CBS and my43 are televising so set your Tivo and come on out to the Grog Shop.

Written by West Hays

Philly: The Show + Video

2008-06-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

Good night, Philadelphia. We love you.

When we were in Boston the contestants were so shamelessly weak (except McNallica) that the judges began making fun of each other. In Philadelphia some of the judges were so consistently bland our Master of Airemonies, Hot Lixx Hulahan and various contestants took turns bullying them. Note to future judges: When Hot Lixx (now emceeing while Björn Türoque kicks some ass, takes some names, and eats some snacks with the folks at Fuse TV) is on the mike "I thought he was good so I gave him a five point five" ain't gonna cut it. Take the WYSP Extreme Team member we had last night, seated above her station's banner, which was hanging beside our new Cuervo Black banner. She refused to drink (Cuervo territory) or talk (radio territory). So the our contestants picked up the slack for her.

Hot Lixx snagged two wildcards from the crowd, one of whom looked just like the guy that used to date rape me in high school. Celebrity judge Chris Archibald, leadman of Philadelphia's own Illinois (pronounce the "S") and the only judge on the panel who made me laugh, remarked "you're the blow dealer, right?" Blow dealer or date raper, he should have slipped something into the other panel members' apple juice.

Repeat offenders Bettie B. Goode (New York) and Six String General (D.C.) both surged into the second round at the Fillmore's Theater of the Living Arts. Bettie's first round act was one of the strongest we've seen yet, and could have rivaled any second round act of 2008. Following a stage dive, she shook things up with the judges by leaping onto their table and kicking over the drinks they were so tediously nursing. But by the second round her A-material was spent, and her uninspired performance to our compulsory Sweet edit left her in third place.

The real mind blowers of the evening came from newcomer (to the competition) Windhammer and newcomer (to life) Airistotle. The latter, a tall, bespeckled young man who's maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet, was pacing around backstage nervously before the show with a crew of similar description debating whether or not it would be cool to ask Hot Lixx and Björn for autographs. Of all the contestants — including his own posse — most people pegged Airistotle as a surefire 4.0 and perhaps the first guy to cry about it in 2008. And then he pelvic thrusted his way onto the stage and into our hearts, earning an impressive 17.4 points in the first round, positioning himself just behind Bettie B. Goode's 17.5 tabletop grooves. "Don’t beat off just yet," commented Hot Lixx after his round one performance, "you're gonna get laid tonight."

The second round brought about the first tie of the 2008 season, with two brilliant performances from the Viking-like Windhammer and wee little Airistotle. So we held an air-off between the two contestants to Skid Row's "Youth Gone Wild." That track was released back in '89 when Airistotle wasn't even a zygote yet.

Here's footage from the duel (cut them some slack for dropping their guitars -- it got the crowd going):

(Above: Airistotle. Below: Windhammer)

Of the two performances, Windhammer's was clearly the strongest. So short and thick defeated tall and lanky in the City of Brotherly Love, but Airistotle swears revenge will be his in Williamsburg next month if he can get his dad to lend him that tie again.

Before we move onto Detroit I'd like to thank the guys from Cuervo Black for climbing on board and sponsoring the tour. For those of you who haven't heard, Cuervo Black is a more elegant agave from a name you've trusted since childhood. Just because you’re ready to give up your shot glass doesn’t mean you have to put your nightlife to bed. If you’re ready to step up to a more sophisticated Tequila without leaving the liberating spirit of Cuervo behind, ask for Cuervo Black. We at mobile HQ were drinking responsibly all night long and by sunup found ourselves half naked running up the stairs from the Rocky movies. I think that's where the governor's office is. Just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Philly: Notes + Pics

2008-06-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

So Philadelphia was off the hook. Wildcards, underdogs, tiebreakers, and a bittersweet finish. Twice my mind was so blown away it shot down my neck, through my arms, and out my fingertips. Now it hurts when I type and it's our first day off in a while and I really, really want to explore the grandeur and wildlife and culture of Birmingham, Michigan before we start setting up for tomorrow's show in Detroit. That means I have to get out of this posh penthouse suite at the W Hotel.

We've also got our AV guys working on some high tech next generation y2k video stuff from last night's show, so check back often.

And I have an update on Shred's legs: x-rays came back negative so there's no permanent damage. His lower legs have, however, swollen to the size of bowling balls. So he's now got ankle chodes. Could be worse.

As soon as IT is done with the next generation stuff we'll get something else posted. Here are some more photos in the meantime.

Lucifair in the green room, with Bettie B. Goode and the General.

I don't know what's tougher: his tats, his stance, or his tricycle segway.

Philly: She's A Fine Lass.

We're setting up now at the Theatre of the Living Arts (TLA) and The Roots are getting into Air Guitar big time. I'll try to keep stuff coming, but we're sort of really, really high right now.

Cheif Airness Officer and 2007 Denver Champion Stryker with our pal Keith.

The fastest way to another grammy.

Boston, MA: Wicked Something

2008-06-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

2009 US Airguitarists take heed: if you want to make it to the nationals next year bring your b-game to bean town.

Several contestants didn't show up to last night's competition at the Middle East. But attendance wasn't a problem because entry Jeff Lightning Lyons, a middle-aged man who showed up dressed like a wise guy then soon changed into a very tight throwback Bosox uniform kept trying to sneak his wise guy buddies into the show. This was also helpful because shortly after the first fridge-full of beers were inhaled Willairby Ralken (no, there won't be) was the first contestant of the 2008 tour to get ejected from a club. I guess he drank too much, although I don't exactly know how the bouncers managed to single out this particular hammered contestant from the deep sea of hammered contestants in the competition.

The following four artists slurred their ways into the second round: Rock N' Roll Professional, Jeff Lightning Lyons, the Kidd, and The Guy That Doesn't Give a Shit About Anything but Winning and Naked Ladies. Of the four, Lightning Lyons' performance was the most solid. The guy was clearly from Boston's old school, his picking and fret progressions were technically sound, and he would gladly hurt anyone who wrote otherwise. His performance also inspired a spontaneous stage dive (by a non roadie), which was impressive because sometimes it's hard to spot which of Lyons' fans are carrying knives out there.

Boston was saved from the depths of air mediocrity by returning champ McNallica. She came out dressed to the nines in a sparkly golden boxer's robe à la LL Cool J in "Mama Said Knock You Out," and then tore up the stage for 60 seconds of superb play to Turbo Negro's "Good Head" (awesome choice). Visibly shaken by the performance, celebrity judge Mark Hamilton from Boston radio's WBCN said of her first round act, "only because nothing's perfect and I'm terrified and you rule, I give you a 5.9."

Of her second round act to the compulsory Boston (the band) track edit, judge Lydia Beal from the Museum of Science commented, "Let’s bring the labia and estrogen to San Francisco." Oh, the tender foul mouth of a scientist.

And remember The Guy That Doesn't Give a Shit . . . ? Turns out he gave a shit about our water, I caught him trying to boost a case of it at the end of the night. Bad form.

Yet despite my reservations about some of the other contestants' airness, throughout the night if I was impressed by anything it was how much these guys could drink in order to achieve a level of such perfect intoxication. No matter what anybody says, a man who can drink the volume of alcohol his body would displace in a pool of his own vomit commands respect (take that, scientists). In the business we call this "tolerance." So before the show we stocked the green room with all the High Life and Bud Light we could scour. But when I came back to the bus after the show I found these leftovers in one of Raquel's love-seats:

Lightweights. I guess it's haad to to keep it real when you don't pronounce your R's.

Come out tonight to the TLA in Philly. Roots are hanging out with us as we speak and the production room doesn't smell like weed or anything.

(Left: Lydia Beal. Right: Mark Hamilton, who volunteered to drink the leftovers then drive us home. Background: Brian Carsten, world's greatest tour manager).

Washington, D.C.: This is Why They Run the Free World

2008-06-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of Dakota Fine.

That thing in the air last night wasn't just air. It was a fucking tornado.

Despite reports from the National Weather Service of the most severe thunderstorm, marine, and tornado warnings in the region in recent memory, fans came out and packed the house at D.C.'s 9:30 Club. And it was worth the risk. The crowd was more than blown away by the evening's performances. Dingle cranked his amp's air knobs with both hands, Van Wailin' pulled off an impressive homage to Marty McFly's Enchantment Under the Sea routine, and Masturbating Booger drank all the beer in the green room (for the second year in a row).

But round two smacked into the eye of the storm. Hot Lixx Hulahan, fresh from his Evil Knieveling in New York City the night before, pulled off an almost unprecedented six-point-oh-my-fucking-god performance in his D.C air denouement. Shredding to our compulsory song, Motörhead's "Ace of Spades," Hulahan jumped from a speaker just below the house right balcony before curling into a summersault assault and popping back up to finish the tune. Remarked celebrity judge and the Onion music editor Chris Mincher, "I have no idea who the fuck I am or where the fuck I am. That rocked."

In fact, earlier when Masturbating Booger's brother heard Hulahan was performing in D.C., Booger received the following text: "You're fucked."

Hot Lixx Hulahan's perfect set was so good that reigning D.C. champ The Shred knew the only way he could follow the act was to mimic it. Only, as most of us know, The Shred has grandchildren that are too old to air guitar. Few people could bear to watch as he slowly clawed his aged but chiseled body on top of the speakers. The sound guy's mouth was wide open and I think I saw a bartender praying. I surveyed more of the room because he was still climbing. Crowd members were all mouthing "no fucking way, no fucking way." Then I looked up and saw that he was ready to jump. His life passed before his eyes and took about an hour. Then he jumped, popped up, and kept on rocking. Technically he was unable trump Hulahan's moves, and while he gets a six for heart he walked away with a second round score of 5.7, placing him third overall. He was limping a bit after the show and we have received many comments from worried fans about his legs. But please don't worry, guys. We made him sign a waiver like everyone else.

Raquel Rockswell, our tour bus, took a licking as well. First the driver's AC went out, then we learned (the hard way) that number two's are forbidden from the starboard john. However, we are allowed to pee wherever we want.

Next stop: Boston. We've trimmed some fat here at Air HQ and are very excited to tear things up. See you at the Middle East.

Hot Lixx @ Bowery Ballroom. Photo courtesy of Matthew Besinger.

Written by West Hays

New York City: Getting Debonair

2008-06-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

The galloping horse of history comes but once.
--Celebrity judge Willie Geist, MSNBC

Before a sell-out crowd, Air to the Throne delivered a thoroughbred performance with his impressive taplight medallion and lightly-clad heavy-set frame. The theme of the night was "class," and the contestants were true gentlefolk. Backstage, cold bud lights were poured into tall martini glasses to the likes of tophatted LepROCKaun, who gave a decent performance for a guy who drew the one-spot (traditionally, the opener has been a tough role to fill).

Sitting beside Mr. Geist on the judge's panel was Vice editor Gavin McInnes, Atlantic Records Executive Leigh Lust, and The Daily Show's Jason Jones. Jones, who was celebrating his birthday last night, enjoyed the occasion by sharing several beers with the audience as cups were air mailed from the Bowery's floor.

A notable performance was given by Air veteran Bettie B. Goode, who finished the evening in fourth place after stage diving onto a leopard striped man unable to support her hundred-pound frame. But the highlight of the evening was Hot Lixx Hulahan's fifteen foot repel from the stage's curtain, before recovering among his fans in the crowd and then returning to stage to finish the song. Pope Benedict XVI, who phoned early this morning from a bowling alley in Vatican City, declared Hulahan's performance "infallible." Hot Lixx's second round act received a near-perfect score of over 5.9. However, Air to the Throne's strong showing in round one, combined with his second-round points, left him on top of his competition by just over a half point.

Not even Air Groupie Mrs. Shreddy Mercury's nakedness (for the second year in a row) could defeat the debonair Air to the Throne, who got slightly naked in the second round and very naked shortly thereafter. Air to the Throne will be flown out to San Francisco this August to represent New York City in the US National Finals.

Next stop: Washington, DC. Get silly with us at the 930 Club.

Air to the Throne takes New York City for a ride

For those about to rock

Written by West Hays

It's Official (As It's Gonna Get): Team USA Prepairs for Kick-Off Show

2008-06-03T16:09:00.000-07:00

Last night marked the last and only official meeting of Team USA 2008. The bus isn't packed and the driver's AC isn't working, but that's rock and roll. Come hell or high water the tour kicks off this evening at the Bowery Ballroom's 10th Anniversary Show. There's still a box of PBR from '98 and we called dibs.

Tickets sold out early, and for that we are sorry. But if you weren't able to make the NYC show this week there's still Philly, DC, and Boston (plus Williamsburg July 9th). Let's hit the road, get tickets now.

Team 2008:

Cedric Devitt & Kriston Rucker: Co-founders, US Air Guitar
Dan Crane ("Björn Türoque") & Craig Ums (Hot Lixx Hulahan): Masters of Airemonies
Caitlin Rucker: Empress of Judges
Brian Carsten: Tour Manager, Occasional Dork with Camera
Ryan Layman ("Stryker"): Chief Airness Officer, Occasional Dork with Camera
West Hays: Air Traffic Control, Blog-air, Frequent Dork with Camera

The 2008 US Air Guitar Championships kick off this June!

2008-04-24T14:53:00.001-07:00

US Air Guitar is proud to enter our 6th anniversary with more cities, more air guitarists, more fans and more airness than any year in our history.

Presented by TouchTunes, the 2008 tour will bring regional competition to 21 cities nationwide.

Visit www.usairguitar.com to reserve your entry slot, to get tix to see it live or to find out more.

Regional city champs go to SF to compete in the US Finals in August. The US champion wins a free trip to Finland to represent Team USA in the Air Guitar World Championships!

Here are the dates and venues for this year's championships:

June 1 • South Hackensack NJ • School of Rock
June 3 • New York NY • Bowery Ballroom
June 4 • Washington DC • 9:30 Club
June 5 • Boston MA • Middle East
June 6 • Philadelphia PA • Theater of Living Arts
June 8 • Detroit MI • Magic Bag
June 9 • Cleveland OH • Grog Shop
June 10 • Pittsburgh PA • Mr. Smalls
June 12 • Chicago IL • Metro
June 13 • Minneapolis MN • Varsity Theater
June 14 • Des Moines IA • House of Bricks
June 17 • Aspen CO • Belly Up
June 18 • Denver CO • Bluebird Theater
June 20 • Salt Lake City UT • Avalon Theater
June 23 • Seattle WA • Chop Suey
June 24 • Portland OR • Dante's
June 25 • San Francisco CA • The Independent
June 26 • Los Angeles CA • Troubador
June 27 • Alpine/SD CA • DreamCatcher Showroom
June 28 • Las Vegas NV • Harrah's Carnival Court
TBD • Austin TX
TBD • Dallas TX
TBD • Houston TX
TBD • Brooklyn, NY

US FINALS • SAN FRANCISCO • The Grand Ballroom • August 8, 2008

We look forward to seeing you represent your hometown or root on your local favorites.

Sincerely,
The US Air Guitar Championships

ABOUT OUR SPONSOR
For the second year in a row, TouchTunes Interactive Entertainment Network has partnered with US Air Guitar to sponsor the 2008 US Air Guitar Championships. TouchTunes is the largest out-of-home interactive entertainment network, providing digital jukebox systems to over 30,000 bars, clubs, restaurants, and entertainment centers in North America.

TouchTunes invented the first digital jukebox and now leads the way with an unsurpassed music library of over 2 million songs, from air guitar favorites to classic and new songs in virtually every genre. And TouchTunes systems are easy and fun to use whether you're achieving “airness” on stage or just hanging with friends.

In 2007, TouchTunes supplied an interactive digital jukebox to each US Air Guitar competition venue so attendees could search through hundreds of thousands of songs and play their favorite hits, including songs from the official US Air Guitar playlist. This year, TouchTunes will bring even more music and fun to the competition. There will be special promotions for myTouchTunes.com™ - a unique social network where you can build playlists, play them at your favorite TouchTunes location, and even share them across the network. All myTouchTunes members - current or new -- can enter a sweepstakes to win a free trip to San Francisco for the National US Air Guitar finals in August.

William Ocean wins the 2007 US Air Guitar Championships

2007-08-19T11:38:00.001-07:00

Before a sold-out crowd at New York's Irving Plaza, NYC Regional Champion Andrew "William Ocean" Litz narrowly edged out fellow Hall of Fame performers Hot Lixx Hulahan and Rockness Monster in the 2007 US Air Guitar Championships.

Raising the bar on his signature move, Ocean did a back flip, crushing two full cans of Sparks with his back during his compulsory round performance to the Darkness' "Get Your Hands off My Woman." A large contingent of "waveriders" came out to support their hometown hero.

Ocean avenged his controversial defeat by Hot Lixx Hulahan at the 2006 US Finals, and will now travel to Finland to represent Team USA in the 2007 Air Guitar World Championships.

This year's US Finals were judged by Jason Jones of The Daily Show, Rachel Dratch of Saturday Night Live, best-selling author Malcolm Gladwell and ACLU lawyer Ben Wizner.

Rounding out the top 5 Finalists were:

#2 Fatima "Rockness Monster" Hoang (LA)

#3 (tied) Craig "Hot Lixx Hulahan" Billmeier (Defending US Champ)

#3 (tied) Randy "Big Rig" Layman (Houston)

#5 Erin "McNallica" McNally (Boston)

At the end of the night, all the air guitarists and their air groupies took the stage for an all-star performance of Freebird.

For more information, visit www.USAirGuitar.com.

The 2007 US Air Guitar Championships -- Week 4 Winner's Circle

2007-07-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

The US Air Guitar Championships have wrapped up the 4th and final California leg of the 2007 Regional tour.

We kicked off week 4 with our first-ever, sold-out show in San José, where Kurt "Shred Nugent" Brown dazzled the crowd with exquisite technical merit and great showmanship. Then on to San Francisco, where Ricky Stinkfingers won everyone over with a rousing rallying cry of a performance to Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell." The tour wrapped things up in Los Angeles, where the Rockness Monster won LA for a record-setting 3rd time -- defeating the most impressive array of talent we've ever seen at any single Regional event.

Next up, all the Regional finalists and defending national champ Hot Lixx Hulahan are headed to New York City for the 2007 US Finals this August 16 at the Fillmore at Irving Plaza. Tickets are on sale now.

The week 4 Regional winners are:

Kurt "Shred Nugent" Brown

Alex "Ricky Stinkfingers" Forbes

Fatima "Rockness Fucking Monster" Hoang

For more info on the US Air Guitar Championships, visit www.USAirGuitar.com.

The 2007 US Air Guitar Championships -- Week 3 Winner's Circle

2007-06-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

The US Air Guitar Championships have wrapped up the 3rd leg of the 2007 tour.

First up, Randy "Stryker" Strecker -- the identical twin brother of 2005 Denver champ and 2006 Tulsa champ "Big Rig" -- won the first ever Dallas Regional, narrowly edging out his more experienced brother. Then "Gentleman Joe" decisively defeated a seasoned line-up of Austin preliminary champs with a powerful, high-concept performance including a subtle un-buttoning of a tux and a mouthful of blood. In Houston, "Big Rig" avenged his earlier defeat by beating out a strong field and taking his 3rd consecutive Regional victory and moving himself even higher in the lifetime rankings. Week 3 wrapped up in New Orleans where a wild card called "The Ultimate Loser" surprised everyone with his formidable technical merit.

The Regional winners are:

Dallas (Ryan "Stryker" Strecker) and Houston (Randy "Big Rig" Layman)

Austin: Arthur "Gentleman Joe" Simone

New Orleans: Preston "The Ultimate Loser" Kuhn

Next up, the tour bus heads to California, where we wrap up the 2007 Regionals:

June 27 • San Jose CA • The Blank Club
June 28 • San Francisco CA • The Independent
June 29 • Los Angeles CA • Key Club

US Finals • August 16 • NYC • The Fillmore at Irving Plaza
Get tickets here.

There's still time to enter or get tickets to root on your hometown favorites. More info at www.usairguitar.com.

The 2007 US Air Guitar Championships -- Week 2 Winner's Circle

2007-06-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

The US Air Guitar Championships have wrapped up the 2nd, Midwestern leg of the 2007 tour.

We kicked things off in Cleveland, where a former dark horse competitor in Finland named Chuck Mung took the city's first ever Regional Title. Then to Columbus, where last year's champ The Rocktopus was edged out by a pal called Derek Not-So Smalls. So much for that friendship. We moved on to Chicago, where an amazing array of talent was on display. But one multi-named Leldon Omar "Skeety Jones & the Skeety Jones Band" De La Cruz rose above the fray and snatched victory from a formidable lineup that included 2006 Chicago champ Nordic Thunder. Week 2 wrapped up in Minneapolis, which produced our 2nd female Regional winner, Cami "Airisol" Phillippi, who wowed the crowd with an acrobatic whirlwind of a performance.

The Regional winners are:

Cleveland: Garth "Chuck Mung" Donald

Columbus: Dave "Derek Not-So Smalls" Weissman

Chicago: Leldon Omar "Skeety Jones & the Skeety Jones Band" De La Cruz

Minneapolis: Cami "Airisol" Phillippi

Next up, the tour bus heads to Texas, New Orleans and California:

June 20 • Dallas TX • Cambridge Room @ House of Blues
June 21 • Austin TX • The Parish
June 22 • Houston TX • Scout Bar
June 23 • New Orleans LA • The Parish
June 27 • San Jose CA • The Blank Club
June 28 • San Francisco CA • The Independent
June 29 • Los Angeles CA • Key Club

US Finals • August 16 • NYC • The Fillmore at Irving Plaza
Get tickets here.

There's still time to enter or get tickets to root on your hometown favorites. More info at www.usairguitar.com.

The 2007 US Air Guitar Championships -- Week 1 Winner's Circle

2007-06-12T11:58:00.001-07:00

After sold out shows in Washington DC's 9:30 Club, New York's Bowery Ballroom and Boston's Harpers Ferry, the first week of the 2007 Tour is complete.

While William Ocean -- 2005 Chicago champ and 2006 NYC champ -- will return to the National Finals for the second straight year, McNallica narrowly edged out hometown favorite and 2006 Boston champ "The Godfather of Air" for her first shot at the national title. In DC, "The Shred" -- who appeared in the documentary Air Guitar Nation -- became the city's first Regional Champion as a sell-out crowd of 1200 watched in awe.

The Regional winners are:

DC: Lance "The Shred" Kasten

(Judge Brad Tursi of Army of Me; MC Bjorn Turoque; DC champ "The Shred")

NYC: Andrew "William Ocean" Litz

(MC Bjorn Turoque; NYC champ "William Ocean")

Boston: Erin "McNallica" McNally

Next up, the tour bus heads to the Midwest, before hitting Texas, New Orleans and California:

June 13 • Cleveland OH • Cambridge Rm @ HOB
June 14 • Columbus OH • The Basement
June 15 • Chicago IL • Metro - Smart Bar
June 16 • Minneapolis MN • Varsity Theater
June 20 • Dallas TX • Cambridge Room @ HOB
June 21 • Austin TX • The Parish
June 22 • Houston TX • Scout Bar
June 23 • New Orleans LA • The Parish
June 27 • San Jose CA • The Blank Club
June 28 • San Francisco CA • The Independent
June 29 • Los Angeles CA • Key Club

US Finals • August 16 • NYC • The Fillmore at Irving Plaza (Tickets on sale soon)

There's still time to enter or get tickets to root on your hometown favorites. More info at www.usairguitar.com.

Find the next US Air Guitar champ and win $1,000!

2007-05-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

With the 2007 US Air Guitar Championships kicking off nationwide this June, Team USA is stepping up efforts to recruit the best possible pool of air guitarists. Our national champions have been defeated the last two years in Finland, so this year we're upping the ante!

We are now recruiting ordinary citizens to be US Air Guitar Talent Scouts.

Here's how it works:

1) Find the best air guitarists you know

2) Get them to enter your local Regional Contest (see below)

3) If an entrant you referred wins the US Finals, you win $1,000!

Plus, what greater satisfaction than knowing you helped put your city on the map and possibly even helped the USA reclaim the world air guitar title?

To nominate a friend or find out more: www.usairguitar.com/scout.html.

Tour dates are:

June 6 • Washington DC • 9:30 Club (all ages)

June 7 • New York NY • Bowery Ballroom (18+)

June 8 • Boston MA • Harper's Ferry (21+)

June 13 • Cleveland OH • Cambridge Room @ House of Blues (all ages)

June 14 • Columbus OH • The Basement (all ages)

June 15 • Chicago IL • Metro • Smart Bar (18+)

June 16 • Minneapolis MN • Varsity Theater (21+)

June 20 • Dallas TX • Cambridge Room @ House of Blues (21+)

June 21 • Austin TX • The Parish (all ages)

June 22 • Houston TX • Scout Bar (18+)

June 23 • New Orleans LA • The Parish (18+)

June 27 • San Jose CA • The Blank Club (21+)

June 28 • San Francisco CA • The Independent (21+)

June 29 • Los Angeles CA • Key Club (all ages)

US FINALS • NYC • AUGUST 2007

Great reviews and more opening dates for Air Guitar Nation

2007-03-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

Think a movie about air guitar sounds a bit insubstantial? Well, the critics have spoken:

"Air + Guitar = Genius! On a scale from zero to seven, we give it an eleven." -- David Ansen, Newsweek

"The movie's wild performances and droll humor are tough to resist. So are its obsessive yet self-mocking heroes" -- New York Times

"Air Guitar Nation" has the power to make you smile from eardrum to shattered eardrum.” -- Newsday

“It seriously rocks.” -- Salon

“Raucously entertaining...” --Paper

“Slick, hilarious, and at times even suspenseful...nary a dull lick in the entire 80 minutes.” -- Village Voice

"Hilarious. Equal measures of patriotism, showmanship and irony." -- Variety

"A feel-good underdog story that might even have some viewers mouthing that dusty old U-S-A chant." -- New York Magazine

"One of the most fun films you'll ever see. It's like Rocky with air guitars." -- Ain't it Cool News

"As one might expect, Air Guitar Nation is often hilarious...Perhaps even more remarkable is how readily the viewer is sucked into this surreal world." -- High Times

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have out first Oscar contender of the year." -- FirstShowing.net

Witness the action yourself in theaters nationwide this spring:

3/23 NY, NY City Cinemas Village East
3/30 LA, CA NuArt Theater
3/31 Waterville, ME Railroad Square Cinema
4/1 Orlando, FL Floroda Film Festival
4/6 Honolulu, HI Honolulu Academy of Art
4/6 Pasadena, CA One Colorado Theater
4/6 Buffalo, NY Market Arcade Theater
4/6 Wilmington, DE Theater N at Nemours
4/6 Durango, CO Abbey Theater
4/12 Ashland, OR Ashland Film Festival
4/12 Madison, WI Wisconsin Film Festival
4/13 Austin, TX Regal Arbor THeater
4/13 Santa Fe, NM The Screen
4/13 Fort Collins, CO Lyric Theater
4/18 Ft. Lauderdale, FL Cinema Paradiso
4/19 Lake Worth. FL Duncan Theater
4/20 Hudson, NY Time and Space
4/20 Salem, OR Salem Film Festival
4/20 Pittsburgh, PA Harris Theater
4/20 Cambridge, MA Brattle Theater
4/20 San Luis Obispo, CA Palm Theater
4/27 San Antonio, TX Bijou at the Crossroads Theater
4/28 Portland, ME Space Gallery
4/28 Scranton, PA Endless Mountains
5/2 Portland, ME Movies on Exchange St.
5/4 Jacksonville, FL San Marco Theater
5/4 Portland, OR Cinema 21
5/4 Nashville, TN Belcourt Theater
5/11 Atlanta, GA Plaza Theater
5/11 St. Louis, MO Webster University Film Theater
5/11 Madison, WI Sundance Theater
5/11 San Francisco, CA Sundance Kabuki Theater
5/11 Corvalis, OR Avalon Theater
5/11 Eugene, OR Bijou Theater
5/18 Seattle, WA Northwest Film
5/25 Denver, CO Starz Film Center
6/1 Little Rock, AR Market Street Theater
6/8 Tucson, AZ Loft Theater
6/23 Cleveland, OH Cleveland Cinematheque
6/24 Nevada City, CA Nevada Theater

2007 US Air Guitar Championships kick off this June

2007-03-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

Celebrating our 5th anniversary, the US Air Guitar Championships is pleased to announce the 2007 US Air Guitar Championships. Regional city competitions start this June. Star of Air Guitar Nation and veteran of the circuit Bjorn Turoque will MC all events.

For tickets, to enter or to find out more about US Air Guitar, visit www.usairguitar.com.

Tour dates are:

June 6 • Washington DC • 9:30 Club (all ages)

June 7 • New York NY • Bowery Ballroom (18+)

June 8 • Boston MA • Harper's Ferry (21+)

June 13 • Cleveland OH • Cambridge Room @ House of Blues (all ages)

June 14 • Columbus OH • The Basement (all ages)

June 15 • Chicago IL • Metro • Smart Bar (18+)

June 16 • Minneapolis MN • Varsity Theater (21+)

June 20 • Dallas TX • Cambridge Room @ House of Blues (21+)

June 21 • Austin TX • The Parish (all ages)

June 22 • Houston TX • Scout Bar (18+)

June 23 • New Orleans LA • The Parish (18+)

June 27 • San Jose CA • The Blank Club (21+)

June 28 • San Francisco CA • The Independent (21+)

June 29 • Los Angeles CA • Key Club (all ages)

US FINALS • NYC • AUGUST 2007

Jean Baudrillard, R.I.P.

2007-03-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

US Air Guitar is sorry report the passing of one of our greatest philosophical fathers. As the NY Times reports, Baudrillard "counseled people to give up the search for reality." And like so many competitive air guitarists today, he too was frequently criticized in his lifetime for maintaining that modernity is the "complete blurring of reality and unreality."

In other words, "real" guitars are like subtitles...not necessary if you truly understand the language of music.

Air Guitar Nation coming to a theater near you!

2007-03-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

"AIR GUITAR NATION" -- the documentary about the rise of competitive air guitar in the United States is being released nationwide, after an award-winning run on the film festival circuit.

SCREENINGS ANNOUNCED SO FAR
3/23 NY, NY Angelika Film Center
3/30 LA, CA NuArt Theater
4/1 Orlando, FL Floroda Film Festival
4/6 Honolulu, HI Honolulu Academy of Art
4/12 Ashland, OR Ashland Film Festival
4/12 Madison, WI Wisconsin Film Festival
4/13 Austin, TX Regal Arbor THeater
4/20 Cambridge, MA Brattle Theater
4/20 San Luis Obispo, CA Palm Theater
4/28 Portland, ME Space Gallery
5/2 Portland, ME Movies on Exchange St.
5/4 or 5/11 Madison, WI Sundance Theater
5/4 San Francisco, CA Sundance Kabuki Theater
5/4 Jacksonville, FL San Marco Theater
5/4 Nashville, TN Belcourt Theater
5/11 Atlanta, GA Plaza Theater
5/18 Seattle, WA Northwest Film

ABOUT THE FILM
A battle of naked ambition played out on the national and, ultimately, world stage, AIR GUITAR NATION chronicles the birth of the U.S. Air Guitar Championships as legions of aspiring rock stars live out their dreams on a quest to become the world champion in a strange world where musical ability plays second fiddle to virtual virtuosity.

As the film un-reels, two aspiring rock legends strum and strut their way towards glory and the coveted national title. C-Diddy (David Jung), a samurai warrior clad in a “Hello Kitty’’ breast plate and red kimono, emerges as an early favorite. But his arch nemesis from the Lower East Side, Bjorn Turoque (Dan Crane), is not far behind. While C. Diddy threatens to unleash his self-professed “Asian Fury" on his competitors, Bjorn vows to take Diddy down. As the film reaches its climax, the future of Air hangs in the balance; will Bjorn’s technical prowess, stage presence, and airness be enough to take him to the top, or will C-Diddy conquer all to become America’s first supreme being of Air Guitar?

Full of triumph and disappointment, patriotic spirit and political tension—and, of course, invisible guitars — AIR GUITARNATION and filmmaker Alexandra Lipsitz take audiences on an inspiring, exhilarating, and ultimately hilarious journey that delves deep to find out what it truly takes to become the best in the world and find the inner meaning of the chant, “Make Air, Not War.”

Australian scientists invent wearable air guitar

2006-11-01T17:47:00.000-08:00

Hair shirt is to the middle ages as air shirt is to Australians.

Check it out.

Caveat emptor! Air guitars on eBay NOT real

2006-10-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY October 5, 2006: If you've seen an air guitar advertised for sale on eBay, don't be fooled. While they claim authenticity -- and will likely attempt to convince you of the same with subtle humor ("never been played," "lightweight") -- be aware that an air guitar is not something that can be bought and sold.

An air guitar is something you're born with it. Like everything that matters, it can neither be created nor destroyed. It is yours for life and you may do with it as you and only you see fit.

Some claim that you can sell your air guitar to the devil at the crossroads. Also not true: you can sell your soul to the devil in the hope that you'll receive in return some idea of what you're meant to do with the air guitar you have. But the devil has no interest in your air guitar. The devil is already trying to get rid of his on eBay.

Here's a recent fraudulent offer:

SF's Hot Lixx Hulahan is the 2006 US Air Guitar champion

2006-06-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY June 22, 2006: Before a sold-out Bowery Ballroom audience on June 22, San Francisco Regional champion Craig "Hot Lixx Hulahan" Billmeier became the 4th US Air Guitar National Champion. With near-perfect scores in the compulsory round, he defeated a formidable array of talent from across the country, including US Air Guitar's first Collegiate and Online champions and defending National Champion Fatima "Rockness Monster" Hoang.

Team USA congratulates Hot Lixx and looks forward to seeing him defend his title in the 2007 Championships.

Finns invent first virtual air guitar

2005-11-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

The world's first air guitar that produces its own sounds. Smell the gloves!

Team USA tastes bitter defeat in 2005 Air Guitar World Championships

2005-09-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

FINLAND: September 5, 2005: In our first two years of existence, US Air Guitar claimed the world's top honors. Although Sonyk-Rok's first-place finish in 2004 was shared with New Zealand after an Olympics-style judging scandal, hopes for an unprecedented three-peat in the 2005 Air Guitar World Championships were high. Team USA had three representatives: defending world champ Sonyk-Rok, newly crowned US champ Rockness Monster, and die-hard journeyman Bjorn Turoque, who entered as an unseeded wild-card and made it to the Finals.

The 10th annual Air Guitar World Championships showed that the world is catching on and catching up. In a Final field of 16, Sonyk-Rok placed best at number 7. The winner, Michael "Destroyer" Heffels of Holland, wowed the judges with an innovative, robotic performance.

So US Air Guitar is redoubling its efforts to find the next US world champion. Rockness Monster, reigning US champ, is determined to avenge his defeat in 2006. The first-ever Collegiate Tour promises to discover unheralded new talent. More cities means more contestants and the largest talent pool yet.

Rockness Monster wins the 2005 US Air Guitar Championships

2005-07-18T17:08:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES July 18, 2005: In a fierce competition that came down to a near tie with New York champion Dan “Bjorn Turoque” Crane, Fatima Hoang aka “The Rockness Monster” won the 3rd annual US Air Guitar Championships, held Thursday, July 14 at the Key Club in Hollywood.

The evening began with Rockness defeating a formidable lineup in the LA Regional, including 2003 LA champ Krye Tuff, 2004 Minneapolis champ Michael “Mother” Rucker, and top contenders such as Ari “Power” Gold and “Pscyho Dave” Roberts. In the US Finals, Rockness went on to compete against the winners of 6 other Regional contests around the country, including:

Charlie “Double Wide” Wilson (Asheville, NC)
Daniel “Glitter” Alvarez (Austin)
Rob Brown (Boston)
Andrew “William Ocean” Litz (Chicago)
Randy “Big Rig” Strecker (Denver)
Dan “Bjorn Turoque” Crane (New York)

In the first round of the US Finals, both Rockness and Bjorn Turoque received perfect scores from the entire jury, made up of Nina Gordon of Veruca Salt, John Cho of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, Paul Doucette of Matchbox 20 and Ben Moody, founder of Evanescence. Rockness performed a blistering, perfectly timed rendition of the Jane’s Addiction song “Stop.” But it was the second round, where the top three performers had to perform to the same surprise song that made the difference. It was tied between Rockness and Bjorn Turoque, with William Ocean in 3rd. The song was the Scorpions’ “Rock You Like a Hurricane.” Setting a new US scoring record, Rockness scored perfect 6.0s across the board again, narrowly edging out Bjorn Turoque, who receved one 6.0 and three 5.9s. The sell-out crowd was torn, but in the end pulled behind local favorite and 2004 LA champion Rockness.

Late in August, Rockness will join the 2004 US and reigning world champion MiRi “Sonyk-Rok” Park in Finland for the 10th annual Air Guitar World Championships. As the defending world champ, Sonyk-Rok gets an automatic by all the way to the world finals.

Team USA is hoping one of them will make the USA the first country to ever “three- peat” in this growing global phenomenon. In both the first two years of organized competition, the US national champs won the Air Guitar World Championships. Last year, Sonyk-Rok captured the US title and went on to defeat the world’s best – including her mentor and 2003 US champ David “C-Diddy” Jung.

“In a time of global uncertainty, we are demonstrating that there is at least one area in which the USA can dominate without controversy – air guitar,” said event co-founder Kriston Rucker. “But now that we’re on the map, all the other national champs will be determined to relieve us of the crown.” Fellow founder Cedric Devitt added, “by taking air guitarists out of the bedroom and putting them up on the national stage, it seems that air guitar is finally being accepted as a serious competition.”

The US Air Guitar Championships has grown from two cities to seven. The event has been covered in numerous TV, radio and print outlets, including CNN, Newsweek, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, Fox News, NPR, Rolling Stone, the BBC and many more. Champions have appeared on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Howard Stern, ABC’s Switched! and more. The Rockness Monster will be appearing on the Today Show on Monday, July 18. A feature documentary about the US Air Guitar Championships is being produced by Magical Elves, producers of NBC’s “Last Comic Standing” and HBO’s “Project Greenlight”; and Anna Barber.

Rules of competition: Contestants perform for one minute to a song of their choice and are judged on a combination of technical prowess, stage presence and “airness” – the elusive quality of transcending the imitation of an existing art form – ie playing guitar - and creating a totally new art form – air guitar.”

Prizes: The winner of each regional competition receives a free to the US Finals, where he or she must compete against the other regional champions for the right to defend America's honor on the world stage. The winner of the US Air Guitar Championships receives a free trip to the Air Guitar World Championships, held in Oulu, Finland every August.

For more information, see www.usairguitar.com

Amid controversy, USA's Sonyk-Rok wins '04 Air Guitar World Championships

2004-08-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

FINLAND August 31, 2004: After the celebrations, the cheers and the awards ceremony, MiRi “Sonyk-Rok” Park –- the 2004 US Air Guitar Champion – was awarded the 9th Air Guitar World Championship. Playing an inspired rendition of Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher,” Brooklyn’s Park beat last year’s US and World champ David “C-Diddy” Jung in a much-hyped battle between master and pupil.

But in the days that followed the event, a judging controversy eerily reminiscent of this summer’s Olympic men’s gymnastics threatened to tear apart the very fabric of international air guitar competition. Upon reviewing in detail the scoring in the final
rounds, the independent jury discovered that the New Zealand champion, Tarquin "The Tarkness" Keys, should have edged out Park for top honors.

In an unprecedented move, the jury has decided to share this year’s first prize between the USA and New Zealand. Both are expected to return to Finland next year as defending world champions. This controversy may never die down until these two
consummate professionals duke it out on the world stage once again.

Air Guitar USA would like to extend our congratulations to both MiRi and last year’s champ C-Diddy — who placed 3rd — for extending our remarkable dominance in this event. MiRi becomes only the 2nd female world champion in the history of international competition. Said MiRi, "the whole competition has been an amazing experience and I did not expect to win. It will be thrilling to see what the victory brings along. The main thing is that now I have shown that women can really rock!"

We look forward to seeing her on the world stage again as we gear up for the 2005 US Air Guitar Championships, which is coming to a city near you next spring and summer. The 2004 US Air Guitar Championships took place in New York, Chicago, Denver, Minneapolis and Los Angeles. Look for more cities, more fans and more “airsatz” action as the USA looks to pull off the first three-peat in history.

An official documentary about the US Air Guitar Championships is currently in the works. The documentary is being produced by DanCutforth and Jane Lipsitz of Magical Elves Inc., executive producers of HBO’s “Project Greenlight” and NBC’s “Last Comic Standing.”

For more information about the event, visit www.usairguitar.com.

C-Diddy wins the 2003 Air Guitar World Championships

2003-09-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

FINLAND September 6, 2003: National Air Guitar winners from countries including Australia, Austria, Belgium, Finland, New Zealand, the Netherlands, Norway, and the United States, competed in the 8th Annual World Air Guitar Championships before thousands of screaming fans. After a flurry of hard rocking riffs, USA’s national champion, David “C- Diddy” Jung, reigned supreme.

C-Diddy received not only worldwide fame and glory but was also awarded with a genuine Finnish handmade Flying Finn guitar a VOX BM Special amplifier - designed, donated and signed by Queen guitarist Brian May. A team of filmmakers led by Project Greenlight producers Dan Cutforth and Jane Lipsitz were there to capture the action on film. Lipsitz and Cutforth had been tracking Jung since he entered his first air guitar competition just this past May in New York City. With three other producers, Lipsitz and Cutforth launched the first-ever US Air Guitar Championships over the summer in New York and Los Angeles, and followed the contestants’ journey on film.

Rocking past the competition in the US, “C-Diddy” made a big splash in appearances on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, Howard Stern and MSNBC. Not to be deterred, NY runner-up Dan “Bjorn Turoque” Crane traveled to Los Angeles for the US finals and was again defeated. Astoundingly, the persistent Crane also came all the way to Finland to the World Championships as a wildcard and once again met his defeat at the hands of Mr. Diddy. “This was an intense rivalry,” said Lipsitz. “We knew both C Diddy and Bjorn Turoque had tremendous talent when we saw them perform in New York. The fact that C. Diddy has won in all three of their face-offs shouldn’t deter Bjorn, who also has a great air guitar career ahead of him.”

Exhibiting what he has called his “air supremacy”, “C-Diddy” once again stole the show here in Finland. This time in front of an international audience, “Diddy” performed “Play with me” by Extreme in the opening round, stunning the crowd with a near perfect combination of technical mastery, stage presence and the ever elusive “airness.” In the compulsory round, C-Diddy faced tough competition from the likes of second and third place finishers, Jordi “Funky Jordi” Nieuwenburg of the Netherlands and Australia’s own Mark “Roxy McStagger” Hadfield. In the end, after all the scores were tallied only one
point separated C-Diddy from the first runner up in this fierce competition. Bjorn Turoque, America’s other finalist finished seventh.

The World Championships were held at the Oulu Music Video Festival in Finland and have been a main attraction for the past 8 years. Prior to this year, the United States never had an official national champion enter the competition - but much like 1980’s Olympic Hockey Team, the US shocked the world again with the first ever world title. A panel made up of rock personalities, media mavens and air guitar veterans scored the contestants from 4.0 to 6.0, according to the conventions of international figure skating. Charisma, technical ability and artistic merit all figure in the final evaluation.

The main agenda of the World Championships is to promote world peace. According to the philosophy of air guitar all wars would cease and bad things disappear if everybody in the world only played air guitar. This is why at the end of every competition all people in the world are invited to play air guitar simultaneously while all the contestants gather on stage to rock out to Neil Young’s Rocking In The Free World. Cutforth commented, “Cinematically, there is nothing quite like seeing 50 air guitarists fully decked out in costume letting loose at the same time on one stage. I’m just glad we were there to see it.”

“I’m floored,” said C. Diddy after learning of his victory. “I started this air guitar thing without ever thinking I would come this far. I am just glad the fans appreciate my performance and respect the craft.”

Having decisively entered the world stage, the US Air Guitar Championships will from now on be an annual event. For more information about David “C. Diddy” Jung, the event or the documentary, please visit www.usairguitar.com.

David "C-Diddy" Jung wins 2003 US Air Guitar Championships

2003-07-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES July 4, 2003: East Coast Regional champ David “C-Diddy” Jung defeated Los Angeles champ Gordon “Krye Tuff” Hintz to claim the first ever US Air Guitar crown. Before a sold-out crowd at the fabled Roxy on the Sunset Strip, C-Diddy proved he is worthy of representing the USA at the 8th annual Air Guitar World Championships in Finland this August. “I am living the American dream,” C-Diddy said after the June 28 contest. “I promise to bring the world title to its rightful home.” Judges included Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, Nina Gordon of Veruca Salt and Roy Trakin of Hits Magazine. A press corps that included NBC, MTV, Rolling Stone, the LA Times, NPR and more ensured that American air guitar will receive the attention it deserves.

“This is an exciting time for air guitar,” says Jane Lipsitz, producer of VH1’s Bands on the Run and HBO’s Project Greenlight and who is currently working on a documentary about the 2003 US Air Guitar Championships. “The groundswell of support among the fans and media is legitimizing US Air Guitar’s push to become a major national sport.” Indeed, the Late Night talk show circuit has become a public arena for our country’s most promising air guitarists. After NY runner-up Dan “Bjorn Turuque” Crane delivered a blistering performance of Blur’s “Song 2” on Last Call with Carson Daly, NBC agreed to send him to LA to compete again. But C-Diddy remained confident, proclaiming his “air supremacy” in appearances on Howard Stern and Jimmy Kimmel Live. When they took to the stage, however, C-Diddy let his fingers do the talking.

For more information about the event, please visit www.usairguitar.com.